kyrasantae: (Default)
The body is strong but the spirit is weak.

"All I can do is to do what I can, and leave the rest to God."



Look, tonight is the very first time I'm going to be introduced to sing as a soloist in a performance. I want to be excited, but I can't, because I don't want to think about work until after it, which means that it's going to be a long, long night...




[09:27:02] Tuuli Mustasydän: i have to make it through to the end somehow
[09:27:22] Tuuli Mustasydän: if i fail, then i show my parents that look, this 
     isn't what i'm cut out for, okay, i'm moving out and finding my own way 
     in life
[09:28:08] Tuuli Mustasydän: if i pass, then, well, i'll get an academic term 
     to do what i like doing - studying - and in that time i hope i can get my 
     mental issues dealt with with a shrink or something or more drugs or something
[09:28:48] Sarah: yeah but from the sounds of it, this whole thing is causing 
     you tons of difficulties. if you quit, the sanity you gain will probably be 
     more beneficial than proving to your parents they were wrong
[09:28:58] Tuuli Mustasydän: yeah i know i thought of that too
[09:29:13] Tuuli Mustasydän: but if i go on at least there's an inkling of hope
[09:29:29] Tuuli Mustasydän: if i quit my life as i know it will be over, no 
     ifs, ands, or buts
[09:29:51] Sarah: yeah but do you really like the life you have now?
[09:29:52] Tuuli Mustasydän: i promised them that i'd be confident, that i'd 
     make it through
[09:30:13] Tuuli Mustasydän: so i want to be able to say, i've done what i can
[09:30:40] Tuuli Mustasydän: i know, i thought -- you know, maybe if i were to 
     live on my own, have my own job, have my own life, i'd start to be happy 
     again...even without having to go to finland
[09:30:58] Tuuli Mustasydän: but i don't want to be a failure
[09:31:03] Tuuli Mustasydän: like all those other times i have been
kyrasantae: (Default)
(12:28:26) kyrasantae: THIS MAKES ME WANT TO CRY
(12:28:41) Sazu: what? D:
(12:28:59) kyrasantae: the fact that i don't have the 2-disc version of Jadesoturi <3
(12:29:11) kyrasantae: (okay, not just that.)
(12:29:13) Sazu: ahahahahaha :-- D
(12:29:16) Sazu: Okay sorry
(12:29:24) Sazu: that was just totally unexpected!
(12:29:36) kyrasantae: also the fact that there's actually a Region 1 release of that movie :o
(12:30:02) Sazu: I thought you'd say someone has died or that you can never go to Finland again because you have airplane cancer or something :: D
(12:30:38) kyrasantae: oh i see it was only released in US this year :o


Finnish cover ..... American cover

(12:47:01) kyrasantae: >_< typical american graphic design style
(12:47:07) kyrasantae: i like the finnish cover more :)
(12:47:30) kyrasantae: i hate how americans always have to make movies seem... 'edgy' and 'dark'
(12:47:31) kyrasantae: :p
(12:47:52) Sazu: haha lol yeah!
(12:48:07) kyrasantae: [the movie]'s not even ... edgy... OR DARK*! :D

And I still have this feeling that those not 'in the know' about Finnish folklore or Chinese horror movie tropes isn't gonna make much sense of the film. Actually, some parts of it don't make sense to me, either.
__________
*...NOR IS IT EVEN REALLY ABOUT HER!!
kyrasantae: (Default)
I actually had a plan yesterday (Tuesday). I was proud of myself until hardly anything on it worked as I had wanted it to, again misjudging the kids' abilities and throwing the whole thing off.

[22:17:27] <kyrasantae> hmm i seriously need to switch to an early-morning cycle
[22:17:49] <kyrasantae> so i pretend that work is an evening shift and go to sleep right after work
[22:18:07] <kyrasantae> cuz i'm just too bummed out after work to get stuff done

[04:04:10] <kyrasantae> :|
[04:11:15] <Huijari> i'm *tired* <_<
[04:11:21] <kyrasantae> me too :/
[04:11:29] <kyrasantae> but i'm here because....well, you know.
[04:11:58] <kyrasantae> i almost want to, like, die right now :\
[04:12:24] <kyrasantae> i dunno
[04:12:28] <kyrasantae> i guess i'm too hard on myself
[04:13:00] <kyrasantae> i get just... totally petrified by the thought that i can't give a perfect performance :s
kyrasantae: (Default)
"Maybe even this weekend.

I almost really want it.

Okay, I want it."

In fact, I want it so badly that I already finished packing. I just need it to be Friday.

[21:12:22] Tuuli Mustasydän: i'm going to visit my parents this weekend
[21:12:36] Tuuli Mustasydän: my mom was actually really surprised when i told her that
[21:12:45] Tuuli Mustasydän: "what?! you actually want to come home?!"
[21:14:33] Tuuli Mustasydän: i don't really know why but i just... lately i just really want to go home :(
[21:14:42] Tuuli Mustasydän: i've never felt like this for the last 5 years at all
[21:15:31] Tuuli Mustasydän: i mean, it's like... finland is a different kind of homesickness
[21:15:42] Tuuli Mustasydän: like suddenly it's finally become two different things
[21:15:55] Tuuli Mustasydän: or maybe
[21:16:11] Tuuli Mustasydän: it's that i know i can't get to finland now, but i know i can get to my parents
[21:16:18] Tuuli Mustasydän: and i just... really want somewhere "home" to go to
[21:17:07] Tuuli Mustasydän: somewhere where there is something i can enjoy
[21:18:26] Tuuli Mustasydän: all i have to enjoy here are my finnish things and i know that i just keep wanting more and more but also knowing that i don't have room for them and i have to take them all away with me eventually
[21:21:19] Tuuli Mustasydän: and in the end all of that can't replace the people there
[21:21:32] Tuuli Mustasydän: because it's really the people i miss

*BEEP!*

Jun. 24th, 2009 05:45 pm
kyrasantae: (Default)
At almost 8AM, I followed an army of teachers and students out of the LRT station, into an office building, to a queue for the elevator.  Most of the teachers got off on different dedicated floors for grading, and I continued to follow as the students queued to sign in on a hand reader.

This is the Alberta Education "Marking Centre".  It's where all of the provincial school exams go to get, well, graded. The massive army of teachers does the actual marking, but there's another regiment of people who unload the papers off trucks, then sort, tag, label, and otherwise prepare them for said marking. 

I get to scan - *BEEP!* - the barcode on each exam paper to register that it has been received. After each packet (representing usually one exam subject from one school) I print off a checklist thing (then go to the printer to get it - this means I have to stand up and walk just about every 30 seconds, sometimes) and attach it to the packet, then pass it off to someone else to check the names on the papers.  The lower-level standardized tests require some additional input so I'm not doing those; I'm just doing the diploma-level exams since those are easier - and are a higher priority (students need these grades to get into university and stuff!). 

I keep *beep* *beep* *beep*ing through the piles of paper pretty quickly. The whole processing... uh... process is very linear, and so while my supervisor brings me new stacks of packets, she doesn't always do so fast enough and I have to get up and go bug her about MOAR WORK PLZ.

It's definitely really mindless and so generally time passes quickly, but the room is well-lit and there are windows and lots of people milling around doing their things, so it doesn't feel just like a factory assembly line. And given that I managed to get the cozy sit-down job, I don't need to wear old, worn-out t-shirts to work, either. I can dress up a bit. Yay!  It's also nice that the job is downtown during office hours, so there's LOTS AND LOTS of people going to/from work via bus/LRT at the same time as me, so I don't have to feel like such a loser, being the only one taking the bus while everyone else has their own car.  And that it only takes me ~20 minutes to get there.

I asked some of the people who started earlier whether they knew how long this job is expected to last. It sounds like probably 4-6 more weeks.  Which means I still can't go home and relax and play piano all day for a while.  My dad says that he's willing to drive me home on a Friday night and drive me back on Sunday night if I want a little weekend escape.  Maybe even this weekend. 

I almost really want it. 

Okay, I want it.


<kyrasantae> work was slightly entertaining
<kyrasantae> another one of the guys who started today is half-finnish :P
<kyrasantae> his generic north-western european blood shows a lot more though
<kyrasantae> but my finn-radar went off nonetheless :P

His task is earlier on the assembly line, though, so I only get to see his initials on packet labels. Oh well.


Note to self: Special attention to the left hand. Find way to perform scanning / booklet-flipping operations with both wrists flat.
kyrasantae: (Default)


[08:02:42] <kyrasantae> ugh
[08:03:10] <kyrasantae> sorry i'm still completely exhausted and very very tired (not ill anymore, thankfully) so i'm going to crawl back into bed
[08:05:35] <kyrasantae> this must be the hangover part
[08:05:39] <kyrasantae> :P
[08:06:04] <kyrasantae> i hope it wasn't because of what i ate last night, because i took a lot of the leftovers home...
[08:40:20] <sihv> aww :(
[08:40:27] <kyrasantae> heh
[08:40:32] <kyrasantae> well i guess there's a bit of humour in that
[08:40:40] <sihv> mm
[08:40:52] <sihv> canadian juhannus hangover :þ
[08:41:06] <kyrasantae> *snrk*
[08:41:13] <kyrasantae> there was zero alcohol involved in this :P

By this time of morning it was bright enough outside that I had to make a blindfold with a bandanna in order to make a feeble attempt to fall asleep.  I'm just still really tired from the 3-plus-a-bit hours of sleep Friday night.

I'm also still thinking over that email - and I won't divulge any more about it - I'm not quite sure with what proportions of skepticism and trust I should regard it.   At times I wish so much to be loved (especially by my people) that I know it could cloud my better judgment - but I have to overcome these habits of fear and paranoia and mistrust of the world that have so long been part of my upbringing and my life.


The last week or so has been very warm, and I've been suffering quite a bit from heat-related fatigue.  ~25°C and sunny isn't seriously insufferable, but I think it's the geography of the apartment that leads to absolutely no draught coming through the windows and a lot of sunlight (my window faces south). Humidity was up and down, skies going back and forth between overcast and clear, trying to rain but failing to, and then, even so, just random 5-minute showers.

It is noticeably warmer in my room than the rest of the apartment, and there were a few days when my flatmates actually borrowed an air conditioner from someone for the living room.  There were nights when I needed a wet towel around my neck before I could sleep, laying on top of my blanket with only my underwear on. I absolutely had to tie a high ponytail in my hair to keep it away from my neck during the day.

My flatmate has a digital clock/thermometer in her room, and I asked her today what it had been saying. "It was 32°C in my room" at some times, she said.  Currently it is 16°C outside, but it feels stuffy and much warmer in here.  Too warm, too warm.



My father phoned me last night, wondering what I've been up to and why I don't come visit home.  Unfortunately, I've signed a contract for a placement from the job agency and I'm still waiting for the call to tell me when I get to start working (it should be this week). It's for just ~3 weeks and I've promised that I'd go home for a few weeks once I finished this contract.  But that's why I can't go home right now, even though I really really want to.

I've been frequenting the piano a lot more lately, whether it's the pieces of junk in the corner of the Education building or the one at the "FrASK house".  I've found that I have the concentration again to really try to learn a piece properly ("Winter Wind" by Jon Schmidt) and it seems to make my wrists feel better... until I'm on the computer again, which is when the braces and bandages go right back on.

There are friends to visit here, Bible studies at the "FrASK house" and people to talk with every weekend, but this weather sucks so much and there's no routines or commitments right now.  The last time I spent the summer here was after second-year, not motivated to go to my 1-hour-every-other-day class. I don't remember how I ate and what I ate back then, but at least I occupied my time with vanity and dreams of pride.  But here, now, the last two weeks have been so completely numbing that, yes, - and I almost hesitate to say it but I know that I shouldn't hesitate - I want to go home. The other home. Not the one I keep talking about, but the other one.

The drunk email included a bidding to go back to Finland next summer (I don't know if I could; my sister wants to go to Japan with her best friend next summer - she convocates next year - and it would just be too devastating for my parents to be completely ditched by both their children at the same time for vacation).  There are many new people there whom I'd like to meet now, and new things I'd like to try - but I as much as I would like to return to that beautiful world and that beautiful life, and everything that makes sense to me (except the language), I am not in need of dreaming of the future right now - I am in need of things to do in the present.

I smell my flatmates' cooking (they're Mainland Chinese) every night and I think of how much I miss my mom's cooking.  I hear them talking in Mandarin all the time, and right now I would rather be where people regularly speak a language that I understand.  I want to be in a room where I don't feel like I'm melting when it's hot outside.  I want to be at a real piano with real keys with a real bench so I can sit properly and practice with my wrists at the proper height so that I don't hurt myself more - and where I can play for hours and hours without feeling like I'm trespassing and worrying about not playing well enough (this is why I don't go into the Fine Arts building and sneak into the rooms in the Music department) - and maybe with that I can turn these hands back into what they were two months before.

This is how I feel homesick right now.
kyrasantae: (Default)
(That Just Won't Stay On My Head)

[19:41:55] <kyrasantae> o hai
[19:43:12] <Da_Pineapple> o hai
[19:43:25] <Da_Pineapple> i herd u has B.Sc.
[19:44:56] <kyrasantae> i can has!
[19:54:01] <xslogic> Conga-rats.
[20:26:53] * UmbralRaptor sends kyrasantae dancing rodents.


Bachelor of Science in Physical Sciences with Sociology Minor (with Distinction)


The girl sitting next to me at the ceremony told me that she also has carpal tunnel syndrome, when I described to her exactly where I was feeling pain in my arm. She had tried cortical steroid treatments and exercises and they didn't work for her, and she declined surgery because the procedure leaves one without sensation in the palm of the hand - which meant that while she would have still technically been able to play the piano, she would not be able to feel it, which is much more important for the expressive aspect of technique. She just lives with the pain and bears it. She says that she got it from piano, so I wonder if that in itself weakened my wrists enough that they were more vulnerable... once I stopped playing as regularly as I used to.
kyrasantae: (Default)
I wore nothing but my cargo pants and a t-shirt to work today, and stuffed absolutely everything into my pockets, including my pocketknife and EXACTLY $2.10 for lunch. It was chilly so I had to jog a bit to keep warm.

Had fire drill first thing in the morning. Little sea of people in bright orange safety vests.

<kyrasantae> work kind of sucks
<*******> then don't work :D
<*******> (I don't)
<kyrasantae> haha
<kyrasantae> the stuff i do doesn't suck
<kyrasantae> our 'team leader' sucks
<kyrasantae> she's not acting in a very... team-like manner
<*******> oh.. that's like the only thing she's supposed to do and she screws it? :D
<kyrasantae> haha yeah
<kyrasantae> she's totally treating us like children
<*******> she has somekind of mother-syndrome
<kyrasantae> haha i think she has control issues >_>
<*******> well, that's usually the case :)

<kyrasantae> me and my coworker build a table, and we're about to take it out into the store
<kyrasantae> and she stops us
<kyrasantae> saying, "i want to take a look at everything that's been built before it goes out, to make sure everything is right because if there's something wrong i want to catch it now so that i don't have to fix it once it's already out there"
<kyrasantae> (my thought is, if there's something wrong, come back and tell us about it and the person responsible for building that piece can and probably will be willing to go fix it him/herself. SHE doesn't have to do it.)

<kyrasantae> or just before she started doing that
<kyrasantae> she comes back in after checking on the stuff that we moved out
<kyrasantae> and she's like "there's a bunch of drawers and doors and stuff that aren't quite on properly. YOU REALLY NEED to check everything to make sure it works before you take it out"
<*******> ... :)

<kyrasantae> and she and i were building something together and when she accidentally uses a wrong screw somewhere and we only find out when we're not able to take it back out again, she tells ME to go get a replacement because I'm the one who needs that piece, but SHE's the one who made the mistake
<kyrasantae> LIKE ARGH
<*******> :/
<kyrasantae> I just said, "hey, who used one of the small ones instead of the large ones?" her: "oh... so that's what it was. I was wondering why that screw went in so easily." Me: "well, can we get it back out?" Her: "No, it's holding the whole thing together. go get one from the storeroom"
<kyrasantae> don't you think a responsible person would offer to go pick up the replacement?
<*******> those kind of people... for a start they should learn to admit that they can be wrong sometimes...
<*******> I think she should have at least asked you to get the piece
<*******> and not tell you to
<kyrasantae> well i went to get it, just to get out of her face for a few minutes
<*******> :D

<kyrasantae> and yesterday she accidentally threw out one small package of screws
<kyrasantae> and i had to go get that too
<*******> ... :D
<kyrasantae> replacements, i mean
<kyrasantae> it's just that if you make a mistake, you do something about it
<kyrasantae> you don't ask OTHER PEOPLE to do something about it
<*******> yeah .. :)
<kyrasantae> <_<

<kyrasantae> or make it sound like we're stupid for making mistakes
<kyrasantae> she comes up to me with pieces for a hinge and puts them together. i say, "yeah i know how those go" her: "I'm not showing you how to put them together. i'm showing you that you can adjust the hinge like this, and you should do it so that the cabinets look good before you take them out to the store"
<kyrasantae> (haha i had already figured that out YESTERDAY, ON MY OWN, THANKS)

<kyrasantae> sometimes she'll ask me for the screwdriver and i pick it up and hand it to her, but she's like "put that down here"
<kyrasantae> in english, when you say "hand me..." you're asking someone to put something in your hand
<kyrasantae> >_>

<kyrasantae> or i try to help by placing pieces next to where they're supposed to go or i help to hold something in place while she nails it in, and she'll always be like "i've got it" and brush me off
<kyrasantae> >_>

<kyrasantae> or i set up some pieces to work on for myself, and while i'm getting the screws for it, she takes the pieces from my bench and works on them so i have to set up something else to do - and so I can never get ahead of her pace, because she's stronger and puts screws in a lot faster.
<kyrasantae> *sigh*

I figured out why my gut feeling refuses to allow me to use the power drills we have at work. It's because they're gun-shaped. I am strongly - also intuitively - abhorrent of all explosive or mechanical weapons, and even the likeness of those things will trigger imaginary flashing red lights. If there were those straight-shaped drills, I'd be more comfortable using one.

On taking coffee break:
Yesterday we're sitting around waiting for things to build.
Her: You guys can might as well take your break.
Me: I'm going to do it right now.
*pause*
Her: YOU CAN GO TAKE YOUR BREAK.
Me: I know, I'm doing it here.
Her: You can go get a drink or something.
Me: ...

Today I took no breaks. I'd rather work than sit around nowhere and drink water. I don't like to go outside because of that alarmed emergency exit-door we have to use. If I could, I'd rather bank my two breaks and take a 1 hour lunch instead of 30 minutes, but I'm not really sure if that's going to fly with HER.

"Inspect all of your pieces for damage, and if you find anything damaged, YOU HAVE TO LET ME KNOW. Don't wait to find out right when you're almost done building, like we've done here, and now we're probably going to have to build another one."
(If that's the case, SHE had better build that replacement herself. I'm not having anything to do with it.)

When we go for lunch, she hangs back, so that when we return, she lectures us about tools already gone missing (we're not the only people who use those toolboxes, anyway), and WE NEED TO KEEP TRACK OF WHERE THE TOOLS ARE. I suggested that we were under the impression that we'd be assigned a single toolbox to use every day, and she was like "okay, let's do that. I've set out a toolbox on each of the benches. Claim one and you're now going to use that one every day."

Anthony seems to agree with me that she has some ... power issues. After all, she's a TEAM LEADER, NOT A MANAGER. Anthony is the guy I worked with for most of yesterday and today, and the other guy who had tucked his jacket under his bench yesterday. We take out the garbage together and build together and today we even managed to have lunch by ourselves without HER showing up and joining us at the table (because she was busy looking for tools in order to lecture us about them). It's always good to know that we're not alone in our annoyance, because he was worried about that too. When Anthony and I work together, we feel comfortable goofing around a little bit and telling jokes (and complaining about HER when she's not in the room), and generally feeling more relaxed about the job.

When Anthony and I signed out of work just a *little* bit before the other two (it was already 16:30), it was raining pretty hard outside, and of course quite cold. He gave me a lift almost to the bus stop, but the cold and the wet has given me a really bad headache.

I'm going to get ice cream.

I'm going to bring lunch in a cloth bag tomorrow and put the whole thing in the fridge, so that I can pick up a few cans of Kopparberg after work because it'll be my birthday. My boss will be in briefly on Friday, and I'll see if I can steal a moment to ask about the storage situation. And stuff.

P.S. Anthony has the same reservations about the lockers as I do.

Items assembled
kyrasantae: (Default)
The song "Laulu on kuollut" by Kotiteollisuus caught my attention (darn you, last-song-on-album syndrome) because of the rather distinctive 'epic' outro, which practically SCREAMS this is TH's work(, which it is).

In my opinion, the rest of the song isn't terribly interesting - just the usual metal stuff that's just barely at the edge of my tolerance point (beyond it is all those heavier sub-genres... ick).

<kyrasantae> awww i <3 the outro to this song - pity it's played by TH :(
<kyrasantae> now i want to go to the piano and learn to play it so i can  
             insert it into one of my versions of other TH songs :P
<kyrasantae> well actually only half of the track is actually... song
<kyrasantae> and then the other half is the outro
<kyrasantae> [1/3 song outro-type thing] [1/3 epic clearly-written-by-TH
             thing] [1/3 piano thing]
<kyrasantae> :)
<kyrasantae> AND HOW MANY NW FAN-BOIS AND -GIRLS KNOW THIS SORT OF STUFF? :)
<kyrasantae> maybe only the finnish ones
<kyrasantae> because the other ones don't know about this other stuff he does

A more interesting thing is, though, how TH's parts feel rather... artificially tacked on.

So, about that outro...

[The transcriptions below are transposed one half-tone up (which makes the fingering for performance much more reasonable) from what is heard on the recording. I think it must be a common strategy to make songs sound darker by shifting down a half-tone. ALL metal songs are written in either a-(C+), e-(G+), or d-(F+), don't'cha know. At least Kotiteollisuus uses their major keys. Most such bands don't, as far as I can tell.]

Part 1 (3:43)
The song, if it were any other Kotiteollisuus song, would have ended with a fade-out at the end of this section, because part 1 at least continues the melody introduced in the chorus. This part also reminds me of the outro to their song "Siemen alla routaisen maan" (another song I rather like, also victim to the last-song-on-album syndrome and which fades out the outro, by the way), but it's already well-known that a number of their songs kind of sound the same. They probably admit it on the blurbs next to the song lyrics on their website.

Part 2 (4:38)
This part is clearly written by TH. There's not much else I can think of, to which I can attribute the sudden switch to the relative minor and a whole different melody and chord progression. It just... sounds like his stuff.

Part 3 (6:03)
This continues the chord progression introduced in part 2, and it must absolutely be TH playing this, because... that's what he does. It's pretty.
kyrasantae: (Default)
Dr. Riikka Rossi was here from the University of Helsinki this week to deliver a series of lectures on literature. I don't really know anything about her field in particular, but Scandalous Nordic Scandinavian Club organized the reception (free wine!) following the lecture on Tuesday and so I made it a bit of a point to go.

The lecture was actually quite interesting - it was on themes of Naturalism in Ibsen - and though I don't strictly prefer the rationalism (and banality?) of the Realist style, the ideas of chaos and lives-falling-apart in Naturalism seem appealing.

A number of (older) ladies and gentlemen of the local Finnish-Canadian community were there, and Dr. Rossi was very polite and very delighted to meet them.

I was offered to go to a bar with some of the (faculty/grad student) attendees after the reception, but since I assumed that it was just going to be St. Patrick's Day celebration, I initially turned it down. Later, after they had left already, I found out that it was for her, and I proposed going with a few of the late stragglers afterward. But some interpersonal drama stuff with the stragglers popped up suddenly, and in their upset, they ran off without me.

I helped clean up after the reception, then went home very upset that I had been abandoned, knowing that I would do anything to be with a Finn except put myself in danger by walking out to Whyte Ave., the center of nightlife, alone on a party night. In Finland, maybe (not that I would need to - Finns would be EVERYWHERE!). In Canada, absolutely not.

Yesterday at the usual Scandinavian Club bar/café hangout, my friends told me about poor Dr. Rossi being asked to speak about Finnish and Finnish people to the Comparative Scandinavian Grammar class (I can imagine: "this is why it's not Scandinavian."). It sounded like it was difficult for her (she seemed to be more comfortable speaking in French than in English - she spent considerable time studying in France). [Aside: I sort of wanted to be there, but I would have had to skip class. And why the Hell would I skip class to go to a review of stuff I already know all too well? :)]

I was told that she would come visit us at the bar eventually, and after what seemed like waiting forever (and getting super-anxious about it), she finally did, and had some wine with us. She wanted a photo with me after I sang "Pohjolan yö" for her, a moment slightly reminiscent of this one, but with a better photo:


(For some reason she wanted my NW-shirt to be in the picture, which is why my cloak isn't as visible.)

(23:35:59) kyrasantae: 	i feel... weird
(23:36:52) friend: 	too much F-Energy?
(23:36:59) kyrasantae: 	ei
(23:37:15) kyrasantae: 	it's not... working
(23:37:56) friend:	hmmm...
(23:38:08) kyrasantae: 	i was afraid of this
(23:40:36) kyrasantae: 	that it's no longer just so easy to charge up f-energy
(23:40:52) friend: 	she seemed like a super cool lady
(23:41:00) kyrasantae: 	oh for sure
(23:41:18) kyrasantae: 	i think maybe now it requires... not just their presence but... 
			their love :s
(23:42:30) friend: 	ugh. yeah, i know the feeling. it's like, you can only have 
			little tastes of something for so long before you start wanting 
			the whole dish
(23:42:37) kyrasantae: 	yeah
(23:42:42) kyrasantae: 	it's like fricking crack :P
(23:43:57) friend:	well, i didn't want to use the drugs reference but...yes. I 
                        find I get addicted to people really quickly and that's not 
                        good. when i'm not around them i feel like i'm just flailing 
			aimlessly, but when i'm near them i feel in control
(23:46:55) kyrasantae: 	and it's so difficult to remind myself that "no, you've just 
                        met a couple of times, do not expect a friendship. you will 
			disappear from her life even if she does not disappear from 
			yours"
(23:49:30) friend:	you're being real about it and that's good. because it really 
			hurts to be forgotten but that's what happens. haha, i know i 
			get super upset and worked up over similar stuff so just try 
			not to be too sad or anything
(23:49:58) kyrasantae: 	it's pretty hard when i know it's much more that way with finns 
			than it is with canadians
(23:51:07) kyrasantae: 	i guess it's super-easy for them to keep the 'professional 
			distance' thing when there's also so much personal distance :P
(23:52:02) friend:	that's a good way of looking at it.

This withdrawal is freaking awful. I didn't have class today and I wanted to actually go shopping today, but I ended up not leaving my room at all (my door is still locked from last night) and sleeping all day :/
kyrasantae: (Default)
Some people have put up posters around some of the buildings here, promoting a student group to get together and "promote awareness of heavy metal attire on campus" (whatever the hell that means :P). [I'd like to grab a copy of this poster sometime, just so you all can laugh at it.]

What's there to be "aware" of?

If it's for the awareness of that style of dress for people who don't already dress that way, why do you give a damn whether they are aware of it or not? If they know about it and identify with that style, would they not dress in it already? If they know about it and don't identify with that style, then why the hell would they care?

(It's not like anybody *doesn't* know that it exists, unless they're totally blind or have been living in a cave for the last several decades.)

If you have an issue with people laughing at you and the stereotypes and maybe you're trying to promote respect for it or something? This isn't the way to do it. Just ignore them. Being obnoxious about it and trying to garner attention like this just perpetrates the negative image people already have of you (not to mention that it's hard to avoid in a culture where everybody wants to make their opinions known to everyone else - that goes both ways).

In Finland, no one bats an eye. No one would say anything about it to you, and you would not say anything about it to others. It's none of other people's business how you choose to dress.

Awareness of life-threatening diseases? War? Gender orientation? Fine. Your subculture? I don't think so. Just have more confidence in yourselves and be happy with who you are.

From my letters:
Eventually one should realize that one no longer needs visual representation of the group/worldview they're with displayed; one discovers that it's not about how the subculture dresses, but what's inside -- the state of mind.

[A music style cannot be a lifestyle, i.e.] its values and its attitudes, its style of dress and its actions... must be separate from the music itself. They only reinforce the boundaries that lead to imitation and close-mindedness.

Finally, if it's just "awareness" in the sense of getting like-minded people together, why have a tagline that sounds pushy like that? Otto says it sounds like a joke, but it's Canada, and I do not have the confidence or belief that these people don't actually mean it.

[14:48:59] .tt.: haha.
[14:49:18] Tuuli Mustasydän ='(: and that's... sad
[14:49:25] .tt.: awareness.........................
[14:49:50] .tt.: like.......... guys, look around a little bit.
...
[15:18:12] .tt.: have to go to bed
[15:18:15] Tuuli Mustasydän ='(: good night
[15:18:35] .tt.: kick them attire-awareness peoples ass for me
kyrasantae: (Default)
<kyrasantae> sometimes i ask my friends if i should go shopping
<kyrasantae> and they'd be like "you should buy something, reward yourself"
<kyrasantae> but i don't feel that way at all
<kyrasantae> there's no such thing as a reward, just more stuff to clutter up my room
<kyrasantae> and games i'll never play
<kyrasantae> crap i eventually get sick of and give to other people
<kyrasantae> and i can be just as materialistic as the person next to me, but there's a guilty conscience
<kyrasantae> and it's not a conscious sort of guilty conscience like "self, you need to be more european and stop thinking about material things"
<kyrasantae> it's just an intuitive "this doesn't feel right" feeling
<kyrasantae> and then i collect random finnish crap that no one else wants
<kyrasantae> :p
<kyrasantae> i guess my motives for getting random finnish crap that no one else wants is ... different though :s
<kyrasantae> it's like collecting scraps of reminders of the time the world around me made sense :(
kyrasantae: (Default)
16. April 2008
[9:01:03 PM] Viv: what do you want for your bday?
[9:01:09 PM] Lifting shadows off a dream | 30 days: finland!! :D
[9:01:14 PM] Viv: no...
[9:01:14 PM] Lifting shadows off a dream | 30 days: oh, uh... seriously?
[9:01:19 PM] Viv: I can't buy you a country
[9:01:25 PM] Viv: That would take too much money and diplomacy skillz
kyrasantae: (Default)
kyrasantae: my chem prof said "your demeanour tells me you're going to be a good teacher."
kyrasantae: i was like o.o
friend: hehe that's good!
kyrasantae: he also said my chem essay told him that too o.o
friend: haha wow!
kyrasantae: O.o
kyrasantae: so yeah i'm a little bit o.o
kyrasantae: ... stunned?
kyrasantae: i'm not quite sure what to think
kyrasantae: (Default)
Again there's a fancy letterhead-looking sheet of A4 paper in a fancy letterhead-looking envelope with some other sheets of regular A4 paper with words printed on them.

The fancy letterhead-looking sheet doesn't have the squiggle signature this time because there's a new person in the position to sign it now. It's a certificate of my finished Finnishness (ahahahahaha bad pun), or rather, an official letter stating that I did these courses and that these other sheets of paper are my official transcript of my grades. With the official blue ink stamps and such. Simple. Practical. Efficient.

Finnish courses are graded on a scale of 0-5 with 5 being the best and a 0 being a fail - I knew I had a 5 in crash-course-in-Finnish since I had found a completely Finnish-language email to that effect in my temporary jyu email account. And I put forth such an admirable effort in the intro-to-interculturalness-type-stuff class that I'm not surprised that I got a 5 in that too. I only got a 4 in omg-zzz-let's-see-what-Nils-is-up-to-instead class, but somehow I get the feeling that few people got a 5 in it, given how boring it was and how it was really BS in our essays.

Yeah, that's the only excitement in an otherwise crappy day, in which the zipper on my pencil bag broke, I did the wrong page in my book for German homework, and an elevator door closed on me, causing me to spill my entire lunch (which I had *just* bought 5 minutes ago) on the floor1.


[livejournal.com profile] kyrasantae: and woo i have 10 random european credits.2
[livejournal.com profile] gemigemi: :) I noticed
[livejournal.com profile] kyrasantae: ...
[livejournal.com profile] kyrasantae: RANDOM, I TELL YOU!!


__________
1 Which really doesn't seem so bad anymore once you realize that a typical take-out meal in Finland costs around 6-7€. That's nothing compared to $5.50 for this wasted lunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the taxes. It's such a strange (and unfounded) feeling of affluence after coming back.
2 That's only 1/18 of a bachelor's degree. Gosh, they make it look so easy.

Semantics

Sep. 29th, 2008 02:48 am
kyrasantae: (Default)
German has "Erlebnis" and "Erfahrung", and Finnish has "kokemus" and "elämys", but guess what, English has only one word for both of those things >_<

that is so unfair

because i want to talk about the latter [experience of feelings, internal learnings] but people always expect the former [experience of events, tangible experience].
kyrasantae: (Default)
"i was wearing my cloak today at a reception (where people were invited to wear traditional dress), and someone asked me if it was traditional finnish or something, so i said "no it's not, but it's representative of the nobody-really-cares-what-other-people-are-wearing of finnish city culture""

(uh that was last night)

Heh, correct answer. What did the someone reply to that?

he's like, "uh, okay, so you lived in finland for how long?"
"a month"
"? were your parents from there?"
"no"
"then what's the connection?"
"it's spiritual, not physical/historical"
"oh"

Typical.

yeah, o well
i'm getting used to it
kyrasantae: (Default)
I've been putting off writing this for almost three days now (since I moved back here to the dorm) - in fact, I'm still struggling with procrastination - but these things in my mind need to be said. I keep forgetting them so I'm now making a list to make sure I get through all of them.

1. Relatives )

2. Self )

3. Postscripts )
kyrasantae: (Default)
Yesterday...
(23:18:35) Tuuli Mustasydän: was watching opening ceremony
                             rerun on california TV
(23:18:42) Tuuli Mustasydän: finland just went a few minutes ago, 
                             so i can go to bed now

So the only Finn worth watching at the Summer Olympics is one who accidentally throws javelins at other people?

Epic bake

Aug. 5th, 2008 03:39 pm
kyrasantae: (Default)
I'm not much of a cook.

I'm definitely not a baker either, since I have a strange fear of items-which-are-hot, especially ovens. My sister normally does the baking here, and she's really good at it. Fortunately she works during the week so I can have some time to myself in the kitchen without anyone bothering me (I hate being heckled when I'm trying to learn by experience).

So here's some mildly cinnamon buns (there's actually 9 of them; two sheets). I think they're slightly undercooked, but oh well. Won't kill ya. I hesitate to call them (mutilated korvapuusti) pulla because I didn't eat any in Finland and thus I don't know what they normally taste like and I was being creative with the rolling anyway.




In other news:

(09:26:19) kyrasantae: mä luulen juovani amerikkalaista kahvia >_< 
                       suomalainen kahvi on lopussa :(
(I've already written about the economics of acquiring more.)

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