rakkauden ja epätoivon laulu

The body is strong but the spirit is weak.

"All I can do is to do what I can, and leave the rest to God."



Look, tonight is the very first time I'm going to be introduced to sing as a soloist in a performance. I want to be excited, but I can't, because I don't want to think about work until after it, which means that it's going to be a long, long night...

[09:27:02] Tuuli Mustasydän: i have to make it through to the end somehow
[09:27:22] Tuuli Mustasydän: if i fail, then i show my parents that look, this 
     isn't what i'm cut out for, okay, i'm moving out and finding my own way 
     in life
[09:28:08] Tuuli Mustasydän: if i pass, then, well, i'll get an academic term 
     to do what i like doing - studying - and in that time i hope i can get my 
     mental issues dealt with with a shrink or something or more drugs or something
[09:28:48] Sarah: yeah but from the sounds of it, this whole thing is causing 
     you tons of difficulties. if you quit, the sanity you gain will probably be 
     more beneficial than proving to your parents they were wrong
[09:28:58] Tuuli Mustasydän: yeah i know i thought of that too
[09:29:13] Tuuli Mustasydän: but if i go on at least there's an inkling of hope
[09:29:29] Tuuli Mustasydän: if i quit my life as i know it will be over, no 
     ifs, ands, or buts
[09:29:51] Sarah: yeah but do you really like the life you have now?
[09:29:52] Tuuli Mustasydän: i promised them that i'd be confident, that i'd 
     make it through
[09:30:13] Tuuli Mustasydän: so i want to be able to say, i've done what i can
[09:30:40] Tuuli Mustasydän: i know, i thought -- you know, maybe if i were to 
     live on my own, have my own job, have my own life, i'd start to be happy 
     again...even without having to go to finland
[09:30:58] Tuuli Mustasydän: but i don't want to be a failure
[09:31:03] Tuuli Mustasydän: like all those other times i have been

Like an unshakable feeling of guilt. So I will confess.

I borrowed my friend's credit card so that I could buy some stuff for my Guild Wars account to qualify for an online store-exclusive bonus; there was no way my parents would have let me done this because they don't want me video gaming at all, let alone spend money online for it. That's why I had to ask my friend... I'm paying him back, but I feel so bad about it.


Going back to the theme of being more open and honest to my parents, I don't see how I could ever justify this in front of them, if I cannot justify what comes before it (that I play video games).

They are, of course, convinced I have an online addiction-type thing - even if it were so I have friends in the real world and as such I could survive... yet here is not the only place I retreat to in times of sorrow (and these be many). If I do not retreat here I retreat to music. And that, too, is frowned upon by them.

Claim my real life friends aren't real and then take away my online family - and the further I descend into music, which is my pseudo-religion, for comfort.

Choose one - I cannot have neither.

For some reason unknown to me I also agreed to go to church today with said friend. I mean, I greatly respect my group of Christian friends and I get some strange pleasure from going to their Bible studies, but this feels so awkward. I've told him that I'll be staying outside for a little bit and come in late to the service because they do their little worship thing with their worship band at the beginning and you know I have taken it upon myself to never again witness a rock band playing until I can have my own.

But all this is probably why I find myself awake after a couple of hours of sleep. And I'm tired too.

Is God trying to tell me something?


Edit: I didn't end up going to church; see comment below

Dream Theater - "A Change of Seasons: V. Another World"

So far or so it seems all is lost
With nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and the T.V. screen
Another world where nothing's true

Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up

I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why

Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what
Don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see

I'm sick of all you hypocrites
Holding me at bay
And I don't need your sympathy
To get me through the day

Seasons change and so can I
Hold on Boy,
No time to cry
Untie these strings
I'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away

Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what
Don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me

I volunteered to sing at a Catholic Good Friday church service today; it was definitely awkward for me.

There was a lot of standing and sitting and sitting and standing and kneeling and standing and 'amen''s and sitting and standing and lining up and kneeling and standing and sitting, not necessarily in that order. I liked the whole Readers' Theatre rendition of John 18-19. For some reason it was entertaining, and I thought it was really nifty how the congregation could follow along with the detailed text of the service in their Missals. At least this time I was able to actually recite about 80% of the Lord's Prayer (I only know the Protestant part of it though). I thought the chanted psalm thing was fun too.

My seat was close to the wall so I wasn't able to see anything that was going on while we were standing and no one was saying anything (I assume the Priest was doing something but I couldn't see it, whatever it was). Also, since the chorus was at the back of the room, I could only see people's backs as they lined up for the Veneration of the Cross and to receive the Eucharist. I would have just stayed at the back when the chorus was invited to go do those things, but I didn't want to feel entirely left out. I tried to watch people's backs as I was singing (and also attempting not to lose my place in the music) to figure out what they were doing.

With these sorts of things, though, one either has to do it right, or not do it at all - otherwise I think it's kind of disrespectful.

I had originally said I wouldn't go up to kiss/touch/something the Cross, but when everyone else in the chorus went to line up to do so, I couldn't help but not want to appear left out. I think I faked that okay.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint) the people singing around me were (I wouldn't be surprised if everyone in the group was) Catholic and one pointed out that I could opt to just receive a blessing instead of the wafer thingy by crossing my arms over my chest. Either that or the other non-Catholics in the group were Christians that had been through all this before and knew to do that (I'm pretty sure Bob goes to United Church but I could be wrong) - if you're atheist, you stay back, of course, but I'm decidedly not atheist. Anyway, it's nice to learn new things, even if it's awkward to do so.

I feel so drained after that. I'm not sure why.

===

I never thought I'd ever meet anyone who owns Khet. But His Steve-ness just received a copy for his birthday.