[08:02:42] <kyrasantae> ugh
[08:03:10] <kyrasantae> sorry i'm still completely exhausted and very very tired (not ill anymore, thankfully) so i'm going to crawl back into bed
[08:05:35] <kyrasantae> this must be the hangover part
[08:05:39] <kyrasantae> :P
[08:06:04] <kyrasantae> i hope it wasn't because of what i ate last night, because i took a lot of the leftovers home...
[08:40:20] <sihv> aww :(
[08:40:27] <kyrasantae> heh
[08:40:32] <kyrasantae> well i guess there's a bit of humour in that
[08:40:40] <sihv> mm
[08:40:52] <sihv> canadian juhannus hangover :þ
[08:41:06] <kyrasantae> *snrk*
[08:41:13] <kyrasantae> there was zero alcohol involved in this :P
By this time of morning it was bright enough outside that I had to make a blindfold with a bandanna in order to make a feeble attempt to fall asleep. I'm just still really tired from the 3-plus-a-bit hours of sleep Friday night.
I'm also still thinking over that email - and I won't divulge any more about it - I'm not quite sure with what proportions of skepticism and trust I should regard it. At times I wish so much to be loved (especially by my people) that I know it could cloud my better judgment - but I have to overcome these habits of fear and paranoia and mistrust of the world that have so long been part of my upbringing and my life.
The last week or so has been very warm, and I've been suffering quite a bit from heat-related fatigue. ~25°C and sunny isn't seriously insufferable, but I think it's the geography of the apartment that leads to absolutely no draught coming through the windows and a lot of sunlight (my window faces south). Humidity was up and down, skies going back and forth between overcast and clear, trying to rain but failing to, and then, even so, just random 5-minute showers.
It is noticeably warmer in my room than the rest of the apartment, and there were a few days when my flatmates actually borrowed an air conditioner from someone for the living room. There were nights when I needed a wet towel around my neck before I could sleep, laying on top of my blanket with only my underwear on. I absolutely had to tie a high ponytail in my hair to keep it away from my neck during the day.
My flatmate has a digital clock/thermometer in her room, and I asked her today what it had been saying. "It was 32°C in my room" at some times, she said. Currently it is 16°C outside, but it feels stuffy and much warmer in here. Too warm, too warm.
My father phoned me last night, wondering what I've been up to and why I don't come visit home. Unfortunately, I've signed a contract for a placement from the job agency and I'm still waiting for the call to tell me when I get to start working (it should be this week). It's for just ~3 weeks and I've promised that I'd go home for a few weeks once I finished this contract. But that's why I can't go home right now, even though I really really want to.
I've been frequenting the piano a lot more lately, whether it's the pieces of junk in the corner of the Education building or the one at the "FrASK house". I've found that I have the concentration again to really try to learn a piece properly ("Winter Wind" by Jon Schmidt) and it seems to make my wrists feel better... until I'm on the computer again, which is when the braces and bandages go right back on.
There are friends to visit here, Bible studies at the "FrASK house" and people to talk with every weekend, but this weather sucks so much and there's no routines or commitments right now. The last time I spent the summer here was after second-year, not motivated to go to my 1-hour-every-other-day class. I don't remember how I ate and what I ate back then, but at least I occupied my time with vanity and dreams of pride. But here, now, the last two weeks have been so completely numbing that, yes, - and I almost hesitate to say it but I know that I shouldn't hesitate - I want to go home. The
other home. Not the one I keep talking about, but the other one.
The drunk email included a bidding to go back to Finland next summer (I don't know if I could; my sister wants to go to Japan with her best friend next summer - she convocates next year - and it would just be too devastating for my parents to be completely ditched by both their children at the same time for vacation). There are many new people there whom I'd like to meet now, and new things I'd like to try - but I as much as I would like to return to that beautiful world and that beautiful life, and everything that makes sense to me (except the language), I am not in need of dreaming of the future right now - I am in need of things to do in the present.
I smell my flatmates' cooking (they're Mainland Chinese) every night and I think of how much I miss my mom's cooking. I hear them talking in Mandarin all the time, and right now I would rather be where people regularly speak a language that I understand. I want to be in a room where I don't feel like I'm melting when it's hot outside. I want to be at a real piano with real keys with a real bench so I can sit properly and practice with my wrists at the proper height so that I don't hurt myself more - and where I can play for hours and hours without feeling like I'm trespassing and worrying about not playing well enough (this is why I don't go into the Fine Arts building and sneak into the rooms in the Music department) - and maybe with that I can turn these hands back into what they were two months before.
This is how I feel homesick right now.
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Sorry about the crappy photos, they're from my phone :)
