rakkauden ja epätoivon laulu

So I became quite sick today drinking about half of a glass of beer and eating a veggie sandwich and a bowl of curried soup. And by sick I mean drunk. And by drunk I mean breaking into a sudden sweat and the feeling in my arms and legs became very very sensitive, that is, even the smallest pressure on them like resting my head on my arm or crossing my legs would make them numb. And feeling woozy. And a very scary disorientation when I got out of my chair to make a run for the washroom. Staggering, the world spinning around me.

Needless to say, I pretty much found myself needing to sit down for a while (not gonna lie down on a restaurant washroom floor. No. Just no.) and time speeds up and I try to drink water with a straw which is hard when you really want to just put your head down on the table. (I have come to expect at least some disorientation with drinking alcohol, which is why I try to remember to carry a walking stick if I go anywhere with the intent of possibly drinking.)

I messaged CFJ to ask him to please come carry me outside or walk me home or whatever and he just seemed so...resentful about it. He has a habit of hiding his feelings when he shouldn't, and speaking his mind when he shouldn't. (That's why we semi-amicably broke up at the end of the summer. I mean, I know I've been super-clingy since and still showing up at his place a lot when I ought to give him some space, but.. ) He was like "sigh I'm coming now" and he comes to get me and he says "You know, I was in the middle of a Magic tournament online" and it's just ... like he's BOTHERED by having to help out a buddy in need.

I've stayed home for the last couple of days, but as evident from the time at which I'm posting this, I get all this ennui and don't want to go to bed until very very very late and my body just wants to shut down when I'm here; while if I spend the night at his place I usually go to bed between 10:30 and 12 because he does and I feel tired and I wouldn't want to keep playing Guild Wars 2 on his TV screen while he's trying to sleep (muting just won't do). On the other hand, I can better take care of my skin care needs here, but better my dental needs there. So I don't know. In the grand scheme of things I think maybe good rest is a little bit more important than good hygiene, though both are important.

He was struggling the other day with finding a nice way to tell me to go away, and it's obvious that I got the message and stayed home, yet he seemed very indifferent when I admitted that every day without seeing him still really really sucks.

I've asked him before how and why he still puts up with me, and his only answer is "I don't know". But I see now, that "I don't know" here really means "I know but there's no point telling you because it's not going to change your mind about whatever you have in mind". But sometimes you need to know, right?

As for the drunkenness - something similar happened earlier this year and I also wasn't able to finish one serving of alcohol before I got similarly sick but not quite as drastically. The only other thing in common? Eating curry. So I think alcohol and curry don't mix. Anyone know why, and maybe it's related to my sensitivity to spicy food and how that makes my hands numb?

(I suppose today I was also very famished; the server remarked that I finished eating my meal very quickly. It's likely that I drank too quickly while I was at it. I don't remember what the context was the other time.)

Here comes Sunday.

If the annoying BEEPing wakes me up early in the morning like it did last Sunday, I'm going to call the city, because noise bylaws say that construction isn't supposed to happen before 9AM on Sundays.

Week 9
Day 16
I went to get coffee a little earlier today because I didn't want to run into anybody. Not to mention that I desperately needed it because I had hardly slept the night before. My own presentation was going to be on Thursday and I had finally checked out some books on Monday to do the required extra research. The building anxiety does really bad things to my sleep.

Our first presenter is the gentleman who had the cafeteria lady incident a few weeks ago. He's a very outspoken and energetic guy, and he kept talking for, I think, almost 40 minutes. When he was finally done, our teacher gets up and starts ranting about keeping things strictly to the time limit and how when she goes to these big conferences she has to present papers in 10 to 15 minutes. (Well, you know, you've already cut us down to 15 from 20-25...)

She then also whines about people making excuses about:

1. Papers being American-centric,
   
2. Papers being outdated.

Both of these are, indeed, invalid excuses without more context:

1. Sometimes a paper might be based on American data but the implications are much broader. Other times the Canadian social dynamic really is different (esp. when it comes to racial demographics).
   
2. A paper may have been done a long time ago but its findings were really significant. On the other hand, old statistical information may reduce the force of the paper's argument on us.

There's a second article we were supposed to read for the class, and she just gives us a few minutes to freely discuss in groups anything we wanted to talk about its content.

The other presentation was postponed over from last Thursday. Shawn was the guy who selected the article which I wanted to present on but I'm glad I didn't get. It's a seriously long paper (30-ish pages plus maybe another 10 pages of endnotes and references). He barely managed to squeeze it into just under 15 minutes and ended exactly at the end of the period. Since he briefly touched on some stuff I was going to talk about in my presentation, I asked him if he could send me a copy of his slides later in the day so that I could make sure I don't repeat anything that he said, or at least, go into more depth. So he let me borrow his flash drive. I have absolutely zero confidence that his slides would be made available online before Thursday.

The teacher sends us an email in the evening thanking us for "being present" today and telling us what we need to read for the next class. The sending of this email does not coincide with today's presentation slides being posted online.


Day 16.5 (Wednesday)
No slides online yet. I'm glad I borrowed the flash drive from Shawn.


Day 17
I couldn't sleep the two previous nights either. Well, I slept, but it was quite restless. Kept waking at 4AM for some reason before falling asleep again.

The teacher hands out a weird summary page with some quotations on it to review some important theories and some things to consider during the presentations this class. I can't really describe it, so I'll just post a photo of it...if I can find it. Oh, there it is.

The first presentation I couldn't really focus on, I was super-nervous about my own. I have a lot of stuff to cover and I didn't want to go on for too long. I also was worried about drawing too much from my experiences or whether I'd end up speaking too fast, since we're marked on presentation skills too, not just quality of thought.

I had very spartan slides. No pictures, no graphics, no background colours. Just my text. I wanted people to focus on the content, not the candy. My presentation focused on the stereotype of Chinese parents, because that's the part of the "model minority" stereotype that isn't fully seen while practising in the institutional setting. I really had to talk pretty quickly but I think I still managed to clock in at about 18 minutes. Argh. I'm really hoping that she isn't going to significantly penalize me for that.

She then tried to lead the discussion into institutional/structural racism again. I think we've talked enough about it, several classes worth of it. On the other hand, I think that we do need to talk a little bit also about what's actually behind those people who feel that there's a cultural explanation for why Asian parents are the way they are. Fortunately, I think the part of my presentation on Chinese parental expectations of kids raised a lot of questions with the class and so we managed to stick the discussion to the latter.

Urgh.

Mispronunciation of the day:
* "mec-CAN-ism" (you probably see this noted in pencil as a memory aid in the photo of the summary page above.)


As of now (Friday morning), any and all slides from presentations this week are not online. [Edit: Friday afternoon, and they're up now.] I'm also still really really tired.

In other news, I got this hat, and it demands this kind of photo (cartoon character from here):

The rest of the apartment is kinda messy and contains mostly stuff which is not mine, so I didn't take photos. If my estimate isn't completely wrong, this room is about half a metre longer than the room I had in my first year, and it makes a BIG difference for the claustrophobia and stuff. It kind of sucked trying to remember how I had arranged some of my things five years ago, though, and I'm forced to do it differently here anyway.

The Venetian blinds were broken so I got a cheap bedsheet and pinned it up over the window. Hey, whatever works. I don't mind that it lets in a bit of light because it kind of reminds me of Finnish summers (and I slept perfectly fine then), and it makes sure that my stuff doesn't get sun-bleached from direct sunlight. Besides, the more light comes into my room, the more likely I'll be able to wake up in time to get to work.

You can't see it in the photos, but since there wasn't a convenient way to put my Finnish dictionary in my closet-shrine (I admit that my entire room is slightly shrine-like), it's on my desk next to my computer. 'Cuz it comes in handy sometimes, and I'm too lazy to walk to the closet every time I wanted to look for something super-quickly (opening my browser takes longer, even).



Anyway, I'm super tired and super hungry. Definitely need to feed myself and go to bed. I'm kind of happy that I can cook on the stove again without getting antsy. I don't think I've used a stove for the last four months, or maybe longer (well okay, I cooked on the stove once at my parents' house during Easter weekend. That doesn't count).

I also had some trouble putting up things on my wall so that they are straight. I don't know if it was just because I was that tired.

1 - Viitta. 16.9.2008

I have been finding it extremely difficult to sleep - given the possibility of freedom but not the space for it.

Some wonder if it was just coincidence that I was treated so kindly there, or that I was a foreigner - perhaps most telling were the remarks made of me while the speaker was inebriated and uninhibited.

In Finland the one guy who called me a magician. Said to me and my roommate closely. And the other drunk guy who wanted a photo of me (without cloak).

And I was out there like that a majority of the time.

Here I seldom travel out of my building with it, and when I do it, more often than not, perfectly sober people in their right mind choose to yell insults at me from across the street. They do not do the same to others of more ingrained groups of alternative appearance. What makes me so much different than, say, goths?

It is a strange compulsion: to have an opinion is not enough; one must shout it to the heavens instead of keeping it between the persons involved.

It is a virtue to know when it is appropriate to speak.

Frequency analysis seems to indicate more than pure luck.

One learns to ignore such remarks, but it is more troubling to me that too many people lack the confidence to be content with themselves and not need to project their insecurity on others.

People who know me find it a source of curiosity. "It looks so nice. Where can I get one?" And because we are agreeable in a multitude of other ways, there is no reason why I should [think] that they are just pretending in order to not hurt feelings. (We have faith in mutual understanding!) It is not like they fear me for anything.

I know that I have gone on about this for far too long; but maybe here a more thinly veiled discourse on the actual situations.

2 - Odotus. 26.9.2008

The days draw ever longer. Every moment draws me to my people and away from the responsibilities of the here and now. I stay up often later than I should - for I don't get anything done but wait in vain for words from the aether from where, at the time, people are living their lives at school or at work or wherever they are. There's no reason for me to think that they will write to me then, yet I go on waiting.

It is a craving for news and a craving for understanding. If I am a character that bears this cultural identity, albeit one that is endangered, I have all but the social aspects: language, perspectives, customs, history (and the values that come from it), education. This missing half is what is tearing me apart now. It isn't because things are better there that makes me lose interest and focus here, it's a hunger, a starvation.

Even my friends here don't feel so close anymore. It's not them, it's me. They can't replace what I've seen and lost, what cannot be unseen.

Is this all I have left: a pile of photographs and a handful of worn stories that have become trivial and banal after so many tellings?

Aside: In a foreign language I would rather write about my opinions on something than to describe something concrete; however, I only have the words and grammar for the latter - the former gives me a literal headache and a complete lack of vocabulary.

Another aside: I do not believe that I can express these feelings and describe these memories in anything but English, and even that is doubtful, given my requirements for accuracy, veracity, and authenticity.

I am surrounded by all manner of Finnish things and tributes thereof, but the fact that the people and their presence ("F-energy") are not present makes all of those things hollow, collecting dust. (Except for my dictionary.)

Nothing distracts me from this leaden heart, sweeping me from all other things... sleep especially.

Mä odotan...

I went to bed around 4pm yesterday, after finally taking a bus out of Tampere at 8am and being finally back home at around 10am and eating lunch and watching "The Terminal". When I woke my clock said 2:00 and I needed a bit of a reality check to be sure it was only 2am before I fell back asleep. Then I got up at a bit past 7 to get ready and go to class. Had it been 2pm (and I was expecting only a nap so I didn't set the alarm), I would have been very upset.

As I walked home today after school (and yet more shopping), I had a stupid thought, because I hate walking 35 minutes just to get back to the apartment and there's nothing new to see: is there anything more to life than walking home, and shopping? I'm not complaining that there is nothing to do here, but that all of these social networks we have is nothing.

J has developed a fruit fly problem in the kitchen (and indeed, the entire apartment), so we spent a significant bit of the evening swatting at flies with our hands, and listening to a couple of albums I bought which I, gasp, have not heard before. Well, one was a kind of a gimme since it's Rajaton and I have to have all of their albums but the other was completely new to me. It was okay, I'm not sure if I'm used to this normal, non-epic, non-folk, non-power metal thing.

I visited a Finnish classmate's apartment here in the student village, and it's very nice: a bachelor apartment.

I showed J the kind of money I pay for my own rent back in Edmonton, and she is completely shocked that we have to pay that, as well as tuition, from practically our own pockets. I guess it's why Finnish students are a bit slack. They get a student stipend from the government for their rent and living costs, and tuition is free. One can't help but take that for granted easily.

(on second thought, "Planes, Trains, and Washing Machines" has a better ring to it.)

I can't sleep... again... little thought bubbles around my head pondering transportation, luggage, and laundry (?!).

Argh?

I've never been on a passenger train so I guess that part's bugging me the most. What are the compartments like? How much luggage can you take with you?

Stupid stuff like that keeps me awake...not that knowing helps me sleep.



P.S. It costs, like... o.O, to fly to Helsinki. It's like... twice as much as flying to Hong Kong. And flying to Turku (because, like, I dunno... it's awesome? Seems like the fad) would be totally awesome but it costs EVEN more. Boooooooo.

I handed in the set of completed paperwork today - my two references returned their parts independently. I know that the office has received the references because both of my referrers emailed me after they brought them directly to the office.


Figure 1: Paperwork (before completion)
I've been having a lot of trouble getting restful sleep lately; I wonder if it's the huge push I've been getting from my environment towards music stuff, the other dream that can never be:

• The 'can iz tawkin' NW' incident last week
  
• Before that, looking at some plugins for iTunes and inevitably a NW song is being used on the screenshots
  
• Playing my flute for Burdon at the show last Friday (here's the best pic I could find) and coming off as a bit prideful for turning down a free ticket to watch the rest of the show
  
• Wanted to visit the big HMV to buy a DVD, but there was a band playing in front of the store, down by the main floor entrance (thankfully I decided to enter the store directly to the movie section upstairs - but you can see down anyway)
  
• Call for performers for Residence Community Awards night in March
  
• A guy who didn't get back to me after I called him last year about his ad put up his ads again... got a response this time but he want a grungy sound for his music so he turned me down (whatev.)
  
• "if you want to frickin' get a band then seriously, WRITE SOME OF YOUR OWN SONGS and play them at open mics or something, stop whining to people about it - it's easy, if you can come up with tunes to other people's chord progressions then pick a chord progression and play it over and over and come up with a tune to it" (what parts of "I can write words for tunes [did it for some folk tunes in high school] but not tunes for words" and the imagining of a dramatic scope, not "boring rock song", and "I write either chants or rigid classical tunes" do they not understand?)
  
• My chemistry TA somehow taking an interest in my art - I can't recall how the discussion got to that part; I was just watching my solution crystallize on the Rotovap...
  
• And of course my consuming preoccupation with the writing of my art manifesto for sociology class - I'm trying to make it as definitive a document as possible, but without being too limiting or else it would be book-length. Naturally, trying to impose a semi-rigid boundary on something that was designed to be form-less is challenging.

And I wake with my eyes in pain, and without rest...falling asleep again and waking to strange dreams...

This is where I've been all weekend.

Our film: "Die Schuld" (6 minutes)

( Spoilers: the assigned theme and line )

Some production photos (in reverse order). I'm going to add that it was extremely weird to be attempting to sleep on a couch while the people in the apartment next door were clearly smoking weed and the couch is next to the wall. Wooooooooo let's pretend to get high!


Edit: Official production photo slideshow.

We're driving out to Vancouver in the morning and yet I'm still awake and can't seem to sleep. I've tried everything that normally gets me to sleep like putting on my favorite music, turning it off, stretching, reading, a trip to the bathroom... it's not working. And then there's that burning feeling in my gut from the oops-too-hot chili peppers I ate yesterday...

Or perhaps it's a deep foreboding feeling that I need to get my voice back into tiptop singing shape in about a week once I get back to school for that band audition... after not singing at full voice for more than two months... was trying to sing along to a few Within Temptation songs (including a few highly challengingly high-pitched ones and some not-so-much) and had a lot of trouble (partly because I wasn't singing at full voice)... granted, I'm auditioning with Nightwish songs and those don't go nearly as high... (In my email to the band I said that I'd sing "Jillian" by WT if I felt daring... I heard it again today and I'm thinkin': I TOTALLY forgot how high the entire song is. "Daring" was definitely the right word.)

*shrug*

In any case it's too soon to get excited about anything... but it's almost like I can't help it. I stand a chance with these people; it's the right genre. I don't want to blow it.

I'm concerned also about all the dust I probably inhaled during my six weeks at work and how long it'll take for that to clear out from my lungs, because I've noticed much more coughing and irritation in my throat since then.

But something is keeping me from sleeping and I don't know what.