Several rants (or is it just one?)

[kyrasantae]

[The companion post to this, sort of]

I don't know if I'll be able to articulate this in a logical sequential followable sort of order, but I'm going to try. Maybe a beer will help

*gets beer*
*cap isn't cooperating*
*uses keychain bottle opener*
*gulps lukewarm beer* (Editor's note: not 'chugs.')

Alright.

So on Sunday we were supposed to tidy up the place for another inspection before someone new moves in, but that got pre-empted by them watching the Oscars (pffft! - at least "Sideways" got Best Screen Adaptation).

We ended up doing that on Monday night, I had just finished an exam, I was tired, and they wanted me to do the bathroom, so I did as good a job as my tidyness tendencies would let me (which is actually pretty good, mind you - I somewhat obsessively hate dust) then went to my room to recuperate until I felt like going to visit forgottenlord. I was absolutely exhausted by now.

Shortly after, one of them comes up to use the washroom, and she's like "has the bathroom been cleaned yet?" and the other two of us give the affirmative. Next thing I know she's at my door (paraphrased):

She: "It looks like you've hardly done anything, the mirrors aren't clean, there's still dust on the counter, the carpet mats are still dirty..." etc.
Me: [mentally] "What are you thinking, I clearly vacuumed the carpets, wiped the mirrors and the faucet until they shone, and took all of the dust off the counters and the toilet and the sides of the shower."
Me: [aloud] "I vacuumed, I wiped, I dusted - I tried my best"
She: "Could you do it again?"
Me: [mentally] "You, tell me to do something that I obviously actually did, again?"
She: "There's still all this crap everywhere" [tries to show me] "if you really did clean it, you did a horrible job and I think you should clean it again"
Me: [aloud] *sighs* "I'm not doing it again, I've done everything I could, and I'm freaking falling apart like I have absolutely no energy nor the willpower left in me to make myself do anything anymore"
She: "Fine, I'll do it"

And honestly I was already in a bad enough mood (not over my exam, just general depression I guess) that by my last line came out semi-broken, like I was about to break down.

I disappeared to go to Lister while she was busy "re"-cleaning and not looking.

This sort of thing ain't new. As forgottenlord concurred with me today, she has an aggressive personality and the way she carries herself shows quite a bit of arrogance. When she speaks it's very direct, no frills, straight to the point, said with finality (and a trace of dictatorship). (She's like that to me, anyway. When she's with her friends the tone is still there, but more subdued.) I recall another occasion when she basically said to me, "I don't think it'd be a good idea to live with us again next year, since you don't like some of the stuff we do." (mental reaction to this: "I'd rather live with some people I don't like too much than gamble on getting random roommates that I might hate even more." Yes, and she really likes her nightclubs and her liquor. And whatever drugs she's tried. And her sex (I think? She does take birth-control pills).

Journal: "So... what if I try as hard as I can but I can't finish the job or do it as well as other normal people do it? [for me,] Small tasks, like going to bed, are difficult and use a lot of energy. Big tasks...well, given the state I'm in, it just wouldn't be appropriate to chastise me for not completing it..."

Heck, it's just that I put in a lot of effort, exhausting myself, on a task, and all of my effort is completely denied? As if it was better off had I not even tried.

Yesterday, I hung out with forgottenlord after class, and I don't know, I really didn't feel like myself, I felt like a vicious cat, maybe a tiger. I punched him in the arm at least 25 times (not all at once) over the course of the afternoon/evening and threatened to stab him about 3 times. I was so angry with the world, even a bit angry at him for always using the word 'love' to me when I know popular definition would not be accurate at all towards our situation.

As I was coming back from forgottenlord's place, she comes down the stairs from our apartment just as I was about to head up, and she says she's going for a smoke. Hey, at least she goes outside, unlike.... She was gone for at least an hour, so I dunno what really happens..., but that explains why sometimes when I come home late, she's not in...

So this morning I'm up for my 9am class at 8:30, only to find out that she's taking her shower. By the time she's done and I can go use the toilet, it's 8:45 and I'm starting to panic. I do the very least of what I need to do and head off to class, but just before this I hear her say, "Wow, waking up at 8:30, I didn't think I'd be able to make it to class."

(She's normally up around an hour and a half before her class, and spends at least 30 minutes in the shower. During the first term, when I had class at 9 and she at 10, sometimes she'd have the bathroom occupied from 8:30 all the way until at least 9 so I'd have to use the (fortunately nearby) public toilets downstairs at the mall level. That ticked me off to no end as well.)

I said, "I wake up at 8:30 all the time," a shorter form of normally I'm supposed to wake up earlier too but it ends up as 8:30 all the time anyway.

She says, "Well, you don't shower in the mornings," in that who do you think you are? tone of voice. (Which is the tone of voice she uses with me all of the time anyway, so yes, it's like a sarcastic bitter sort of tone)

I think to myself, "My dad can take a shower in five minutes, my mom in ten, my sister in fifteen, and I'm pretty sure that forgottenlord only spends at most 10 minutes on his shower in the mornings, why can't you?"

forgottenlord is probably very close to the truth when he says that she probably hates my guts.

So that's about it, that's why I'm so ticked. I've been in a bad mood since Monday, and it doesn't feel like it'll get any better.

*finishes beer* (Editor's note: You're reading it right, I spent 3 hours on a drink.)

Well that was a productive use of three hours...and what about that midterm tomorrow evening? and that 8am class?

Comments

Sounds familiar

[framstag.livejournal.com]

My ex always told me, that I didn't clean the house. It took me 2 hours to clean it, so I asked her: "Where isn't it clean? What's wrong? How could I improve my work?" Her only answer for that: "Well, if you can't see it, you're blind. I have to do everything here, you could do a lot more in the house." Never a hint, just nagging. One of the reasons I left her.

Re: Sounds familiar

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

My problem was that she was pointing out to me where all the crap was, but I'm in such a terrible mental state I a) can't keep my attention on doing manual labour, and b) it's a chore - I feel no reason to be proud of my work, and c) I usually end up doing a half-assed job at things because of that state. Thing was, the reason why I was so exhausted after probably around 15 minutes of cleaning was because I was trying not to do a half-assed job. Instead what came out was only a two-thirds-assed job but of course, since that isn't a full complete job, apparently my efforts can be ignored.

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

P.S. Alarm went off at 6am, woke up, turned off. Get up at 8. Guess I skip chem then and get the notes off a friend during programming class at 9:30. Problem: evil roommate has class at 9:30 also. She only spent 15 minutes in the washroom today but she probably won't be happy to see me, so I think I'll just get out of here ASAP (while she's still doing her hair or whatever) and head to ETLC early and enjoy that free coffee I won from Tim Horton's.

[forgottenlord.livejournal.com]

I just realized I was probably supposed to call you too....

[forgottenlord.livejournal.com]

for the second day in a row, I woke up a bit too late so I skipped my shower. Is her grooming that important?

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

Beats me, considering she does seem into that punk/metal kind of look anyway.