Mentally dead.
Oct. 22nd, 2004 02:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyrasantae
I hate this week. Is it a pre-midterm week thing? Maybe it's the weather too? Winter is here.
I haven't been able to sleep all week. I still haven't quite recovered from last Friday. After the ESP get-together on Sunday, we had mini-meetings again on Monday and Tuesday night as well. This had the unfortunate result of my having slept in to the point of 'there's no point getting up to go to the last half of class' for Tuesday's, Wednesday's, and today's mornings. (Even if my first class on Wednesday was at 9am.) The most pathetic part is, I put my alarm clock at the far end of my desk last night but when it went off at 6:30 this morning, I clearly remember myself getting out of bed to turn it off then returning immediately to sleep. So I didn't go to any chem classes this week. At least I have copied the notes off of my friends.
Homework this week was particularly frustrating too. I mucked through math, slapped together ENGG 130 (the last question I mostly copied from Henry), and tried to do physics, which was the most frustrating because the textbook really sucks on damped/driven oscillations, Dr. Marsiglio spent the entire unit losing everyone by deriving formulae using calculus in class, and he assigns us the most challenging problems (including the challenge problem) out of the textbook.
I couldn't finish my ENGG 130 lab again today. Even though I got 20/20 on last week's. It feels like the moment they see me getting the hang of them, they kick the difficulty up a few notches. Not only that, my ENGG 130 class is a few lectures behind, because the last question on the lab was stuff we learned ... today.
I broke down on Ben's shoulder again this week, can't remember what day it was, I think it was after the physics lab on Monday. I dunno, it's just that he's a guy I can talk to in Chinese, for when I need it.
Also all week my whole anti-partying/-excessive drinking stance is taking such a toll on me - I'm trying to fight a war that can't be fought; I'm trying to fight a social fact that is external to us but influences us1. It is a lost cause, but one, it seems, worth putting the effort into even though it will ultimately fail.
What's wrong with promoting self-control and -awareness? All actions demand benefits and consequences, and what may seem a benefit at first may become a consequence later, and so too the opposite.
And if keeping this an item on the top of my personal agenda is going to cause a rift in FYEC, so be it - for we must learn from our experiences, both good and bad. We learn more from failure and suffering than success and healthiness.
After I freaked out that guy (can't remember his name) while I was in the office cutting paper by using my knife on the paper on Tuesday, it seems like I can't stop his word from getting out. Except - I didn't bring it today. So, 'M doesn't have her knife today.' And no, I don't carry it all the time. Deal with it. I think I'll stop wearing it outside for a while and let the stories dissipate - I don't want to get expelled or face criminal charges or both for something that does mean a lot to me but can be avoided so easily.
But I do love the feeling of it next to me, which is why I still haven't changed into my pyjamas yet. I guess I'll keep to wearing it at home, since it's a feeling that makes me feel a little bit better about myself. It felt weird not having it at school today, like I'm still always pulling down on my shirt as if to hide it when clearly it's not there.
Because of all this, I feel like I've totally given up on everything - homework doesn't feel worth doing, classes don't seem worth going to, food doesn't seem worth eating. There's no point trying to try anymore. It doesn't seem to make a difference to me.
1. Eeeew. (pseudo) Sociology.
I haven't been able to sleep all week. I still haven't quite recovered from last Friday. After the ESP get-together on Sunday, we had mini-meetings again on Monday and Tuesday night as well. This had the unfortunate result of my having slept in to the point of 'there's no point getting up to go to the last half of class' for Tuesday's, Wednesday's, and today's mornings. (Even if my first class on Wednesday was at 9am.) The most pathetic part is, I put my alarm clock at the far end of my desk last night but when it went off at 6:30 this morning, I clearly remember myself getting out of bed to turn it off then returning immediately to sleep. So I didn't go to any chem classes this week. At least I have copied the notes off of my friends.
Homework this week was particularly frustrating too. I mucked through math, slapped together ENGG 130 (the last question I mostly copied from Henry), and tried to do physics, which was the most frustrating because the textbook really sucks on damped/driven oscillations, Dr. Marsiglio spent the entire unit losing everyone by deriving formulae using calculus in class, and he assigns us the most challenging problems (including the challenge problem) out of the textbook.
I couldn't finish my ENGG 130 lab again today. Even though I got 20/20 on last week's. It feels like the moment they see me getting the hang of them, they kick the difficulty up a few notches. Not only that, my ENGG 130 class is a few lectures behind, because the last question on the lab was stuff we learned ... today.
I broke down on Ben's shoulder again this week, can't remember what day it was, I think it was after the physics lab on Monday. I dunno, it's just that he's a guy I can talk to in Chinese, for when I need it.
Also all week my whole anti-partying/-excessive drinking stance is taking such a toll on me - I'm trying to fight a war that can't be fought; I'm trying to fight a social fact that is external to us but influences us1. It is a lost cause, but one, it seems, worth putting the effort into even though it will ultimately fail.
What's wrong with promoting self-control and -awareness? All actions demand benefits and consequences, and what may seem a benefit at first may become a consequence later, and so too the opposite.
And if keeping this an item on the top of my personal agenda is going to cause a rift in FYEC, so be it - for we must learn from our experiences, both good and bad. We learn more from failure and suffering than success and healthiness.
After I freaked out that guy (can't remember his name) while I was in the office cutting paper by using my knife on the paper on Tuesday, it seems like I can't stop his word from getting out. Except - I didn't bring it today. So, 'M doesn't have her knife today.' And no, I don't carry it all the time. Deal with it. I think I'll stop wearing it outside for a while and let the stories dissipate - I don't want to get expelled or face criminal charges or both for something that does mean a lot to me but can be avoided so easily.
But I do love the feeling of it next to me, which is why I still haven't changed into my pyjamas yet. I guess I'll keep to wearing it at home, since it's a feeling that makes me feel a little bit better about myself. It felt weird not having it at school today, like I'm still always pulling down on my shirt as if to hide it when clearly it's not there.
Because of all this, I feel like I've totally given up on everything - homework doesn't feel worth doing, classes don't seem worth going to, food doesn't seem worth eating. There's no point trying to try anymore. It doesn't seem to make a difference to me.
1. Eeeew. (pseudo) Sociology.
