I just wanna be left alone... [UF repost]
May. 9th, 2008 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyrasantae
[orig.]
I might just be getting paranoid again, but yesterday my mom asked me "so exactly how many courses are you taking [in Finland]?" and I answered 'four', which is not true at all...
I'm taking three, but *would* have registered for four if there had been anything interesting in the final week; so I'm spending that last week hopefully meeting up with some UFies, right?
If the 'week of nothing interesting' had been in the middle of the 4-week period, then I wouldn't feel so bad; despite planning to spend the entire 'free' week in Helsinki I paid that week of rent in Jyväskylä partly because I wasn't sure at the time what my plans would be, and also to keep up the illusion that I'm taking the full four courses.
And why is this such a big deal?
I don't know if anyone remembers and I don't even remember if I posted it on the board, but the reason why I'm tight-lipped about this 'free' week thing to my family is because they forbade me from staying an extra week or so after the summer school classes, even though all of the other students from my uni who are going there with me are going to visit some other countries before they come home. I mean, I personally wouldn't want to visit some other countries, but at least their parents trust them to stay and be just a tourist for a while.
I'm ostensibly there for study only. Not to travel around, unless I'm going with fellow Canadians or on guided tours from the university or tourism board. My parents don't want me to be outside alone, because I don't "speak their language" (well, I mean, I don't, but I'm going to be learning some travel phrases in one of my courses and it's not like I can't recognize a handful of words already, and it's not like they don't speak any English) and because, well, you know, oh noes teh gangsters and teh rapists!
I won't be surprised if they expect me to call home every week.
I made the mistake of letting slip a comment about my Finnish identity to my mom a few weeks ago and immediately regretted it; it's just not a subject that is in any way rational ("don't go about claiming that sort of thing until you've seen the place. What if you hate it?")...
I've even asked my friends to take me off their summer activity mailing list temporarily while I'm away... I just want to be left alone, want to "pretend" as much as I can to be a real Finn returning to my real homeland... to free myself from my birth roots and go open the door that lies at the end of this wish that is finally coming true... for the first time a goal that has driven my existence for so many years finally reaches its destination. But because it has driven my existence, the door must be opened... to see beyond the gate that was this goal.
[![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ekkkho] is barely 17 and he's here in a much more dangerous country and he's always out alone... of course he has his Rotary Club people to help him out if he needs help, but he's underage and he's here... and I have both my university and the other university behind me when I'm there...
=====
I'm not using [the extra time] to "travel". I'm using it to "do as the Finns do" - to live with the people in the land in which I belong. I'm going to be staying with a very young (younger than me!) couple in Helsinki and hopefully they'll show me around a bit. There's some people I want to meet and a handful of places (not famous landmarks) I want to see.
I don't like "travelling". I don't like going places to "see the sights" and "see the world" and "encounter different cultures". I have a friend currently on a 4-month tour around the world with a buddy. That's not really my thing.
Maybe that'll change, once I've laid down roots in a place that I actually feel is my home. But for now, there's no interest in me for exotic cultures and faraway lands. Just home.
I might just be getting paranoid again, but yesterday my mom asked me "so exactly how many courses are you taking [in Finland]?" and I answered 'four', which is not true at all...
I'm taking three, but *would* have registered for four if there had been anything interesting in the final week; so I'm spending that last week hopefully meeting up with some UFies, right?
If the 'week of nothing interesting' had been in the middle of the 4-week period, then I wouldn't feel so bad; despite planning to spend the entire 'free' week in Helsinki I paid that week of rent in Jyväskylä partly because I wasn't sure at the time what my plans would be, and also to keep up the illusion that I'm taking the full four courses.
And why is this such a big deal?
I don't know if anyone remembers and I don't even remember if I posted it on the board, but the reason why I'm tight-lipped about this 'free' week thing to my family is because they forbade me from staying an extra week or so after the summer school classes, even though all of the other students from my uni who are going there with me are going to visit some other countries before they come home. I mean, I personally wouldn't want to visit some other countries, but at least their parents trust them to stay and be just a tourist for a while.
I'm ostensibly there for study only. Not to travel around, unless I'm going with fellow Canadians or on guided tours from the university or tourism board. My parents don't want me to be outside alone, because I don't "speak their language" (well, I mean, I don't, but I'm going to be learning some travel phrases in one of my courses and it's not like I can't recognize a handful of words already, and it's not like they don't speak any English) and because, well, you know, oh noes teh gangsters and teh rapists!
I won't be surprised if they expect me to call home every week.
I made the mistake of letting slip a comment about my Finnish identity to my mom a few weeks ago and immediately regretted it; it's just not a subject that is in any way rational ("don't go about claiming that sort of thing until you've seen the place. What if you hate it?")...
I've even asked my friends to take me off their summer activity mailing list temporarily while I'm away... I just want to be left alone, want to "pretend" as much as I can to be a real Finn returning to my real homeland... to free myself from my birth roots and go open the door that lies at the end of this wish that is finally coming true... for the first time a goal that has driven my existence for so many years finally reaches its destination. But because it has driven my existence, the door must be opened... to see beyond the gate that was this goal.
[
ekkkho] is barely 17 and he's here in a much more dangerous country and he's always out alone... of course he has his Rotary Club people to help him out if he needs help, but he's underage and he's here... and I have both my university and the other university behind me when I'm there...=====
I'm not using [the extra time] to "travel". I'm using it to "do as the Finns do" - to live with the people in the land in which I belong. I'm going to be staying with a very young (younger than me!) couple in Helsinki and hopefully they'll show me around a bit. There's some people I want to meet and a handful of places (not famous landmarks) I want to see.
I don't like "travelling". I don't like going places to "see the sights" and "see the world" and "encounter different cultures". I have a friend currently on a 4-month tour around the world with a buddy. That's not really my thing.
Maybe that'll change, once I've laid down roots in a place that I actually feel is my home. But for now, there's no interest in me for exotic cultures and faraway lands. Just home.
