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Procrastination/Thoughts
Nov. 17th, 2009 11:55 pm
Been feeling really troubled since last Thursday. That day and today, psych class was about habitual procrastination (and by extension a lack of study skills), and while my prof started off a little bit more clinically last week, today he really turned on his psychologist/counselor mode and, well, saying that the lecture really hit close to home is an understatement.
I mean, habitual procrastination. I've sat here all afternoon daydreaming aimlessly, while I have a short assignment to write for tomorrow and a research essay for FAILCLASS due Thursday. I've started neither. There is a small pile of books on my desk. They've been skimmed through but nothing's been marked off for the essay.
My professor's talking about self-discipline and self-accountability, whether it's locking yourself somewhere without distractions and not getting dinner until work is done, or getting a friend to hound you about staying on task -- and I think of how I lock myself either here or at the library and vow not to eat until I'm done. But I think that my depression saps whatever little motivation is left even after that isolation and deprivation that, no, even hunger isn't incentive enough. I've even ceased to feel ravenously hungry after a long fast. I have the discipline to leave behind the body and keep just the spirit. It's a weird feeling.
I was a bit surprised to learn that procrastination as a habit/addiction is actually such a big area of concern for psychologists. The idea of it isn't new to me, of course. It's something that I've been aware of in myself for a long time and have felt guilty for every single minute of it. So often people think it's just laziness, which completely ignores the origins of habitual procrastination (in schoolwork, anyway) in the person not having been challenged in school. The accusation of laziness assumes that effective studying is something that, once we know what the skills are, we can turn on or off at will and that we just don't choose to turn them on. But it's so much deeper than that. Having goals helps, but they can't be too far-sighted, because then you can't see how getting that essay or assignment done is supposed to be a step towards it.
Anyway, this looks interesting for grad school. I think it's a discipline that I can get behind and really pick out research interests in (something about identity formation, eh? The concept of "identity" seems to play a huge role in my interests and life).
Except that professor noted there? Most BORING lecturer I've EVER had (who knows, maybe he's more interesting speaking Finnish). And dang if I ever have to listen to that guy lecture about the Internet as an ART medium. AGAIN. And him setting up video games at the front of the classroom and inviting us to make fools of ourselves trying to play a dance game or swatting virtual ninjas off a screen. (Hey, his lab hadn't quite managed to acquire a Wii yet.)
In reminiscing, though that course may have been somewhat forgettable, it was EPIC. I chugged out pointless essays in short periods of time; I think the first I wrote over two evenings; the second one in less than half a day (it was more like half a day, but I took a long break in the middle). Both were five pages, 1.5 line spaced, and I had really no idea what my point was in either of them (maybe that's why I only got a 4/5 in that class? Ha ha). The utter breadth of the topics we were given to write about leads me to think that, perhaps, Finnish standards aren't as rigorous in the same ways as what I'm used to. Or maybe they're just more post-modern, and anything goes. :P
I really can't believe I once managed to research and write a five-page essay on a pointless topic in less than 10 hours, BUT MAN DO I WISH I COULD DO THAT FOR FAILCLASS RIGHT NOW.
(In terms of 'Finnish' essays, "Into the Mirror" was written much more quickly, but then, it was something personal.)
I mean, habitual procrastination. I've sat here all afternoon daydreaming aimlessly, while I have a short assignment to write for tomorrow and a research essay for FAILCLASS due Thursday. I've started neither. There is a small pile of books on my desk. They've been skimmed through but nothing's been marked off for the essay.
My professor's talking about self-discipline and self-accountability, whether it's locking yourself somewhere without distractions and not getting dinner until work is done, or getting a friend to hound you about staying on task -- and I think of how I lock myself either here or at the library and vow not to eat until I'm done. But I think that my depression saps whatever little motivation is left even after that isolation and deprivation that, no, even hunger isn't incentive enough. I've even ceased to feel ravenously hungry after a long fast. I have the discipline to leave behind the body and keep just the spirit. It's a weird feeling.
I was a bit surprised to learn that procrastination as a habit/addiction is actually such a big area of concern for psychologists. The idea of it isn't new to me, of course. It's something that I've been aware of in myself for a long time and have felt guilty for every single minute of it. So often people think it's just laziness, which completely ignores the origins of habitual procrastination (in schoolwork, anyway) in the person not having been challenged in school. The accusation of laziness assumes that effective studying is something that, once we know what the skills are, we can turn on or off at will and that we just don't choose to turn them on. But it's so much deeper than that. Having goals helps, but they can't be too far-sighted, because then you can't see how getting that essay or assignment done is supposed to be a step towards it.
Anyway, this looks interesting for grad school. I think it's a discipline that I can get behind and really pick out research interests in (something about identity formation, eh? The concept of "identity" seems to play a huge role in my interests and life).
Except that professor noted there? Most BORING lecturer I've EVER had (who knows, maybe he's more interesting speaking Finnish). And dang if I ever have to listen to that guy lecture about the Internet as an ART medium. AGAIN. And him setting up video games at the front of the classroom and inviting us to make fools of ourselves trying to play a dance game or swatting virtual ninjas off a screen. (Hey, his lab hadn't quite managed to acquire a Wii yet.)
In reminiscing, though that course may have been somewhat forgettable, it was EPIC. I chugged out pointless essays in short periods of time; I think the first I wrote over two evenings; the second one in less than half a day (it was more like half a day, but I took a long break in the middle). Both were five pages, 1.5 line spaced, and I had really no idea what my point was in either of them (maybe that's why I only got a 4/5 in that class? Ha ha). The utter breadth of the topics we were given to write about leads me to think that, perhaps, Finnish standards aren't as rigorous in the same ways as what I'm used to. Or maybe they're just more post-modern, and anything goes. :P
I really can't believe I once managed to research and write a five-page essay on a pointless topic in less than 10 hours, BUT MAN DO I WISH I COULD DO THAT FOR FAILCLASS RIGHT NOW.
(In terms of 'Finnish' essays, "Into the Mirror" was written much more quickly, but then, it was something personal.)
