"I'm asleep yet I'm so afraid"

From the inbox:

Well to sum it up quickly, the $10 gives you:
-Access to the Musicians' Club Jam Space on Campus, which is in the basement of SUB near the Lavender Lounge.
The room has drums, guitars, amps, vocal monitors, a piano, a synth, and even a friggin' accordion! Ha.
That alone is definitely worth it for a musician to join this club. BUT there is also...
-Two major concert opportunities to play in front of a live audience here on campus, either at the Powerplant (The Stills, Stars, and other cool bands have played there) [PP is closed this year --Tuuli.] or Dinwoodie (where RADIOHEAD has played).
-Opportunities to jam with others weekly!
-Opportunities to jam monthly at our BIG JAMS. These will be our monthly meetings and we will try to set up everyone playing along to one song. Imagine 50 people playing Champagne Supernova with guitars, drums, and probably even Violins! That would be pretty cool. We could even head to RATT after for some well deserved drinks.
-Best of all the club gives you the best way to meet other musicians on campus, in order to arrange for lessons or to start a band...

That's all very nice, but the more I think of it the more I am so afraid...

that I will be around experienced people who will be doing their thing and won't include me because I don't know their repertoire or they don't like my voice. This is very similar in principle to the thing about me not being able to watch live shows -- that people will play around me and I not being accepted as a part of it myself.

that I will be around all this equipment and know absolutely nothing about what to do with it. I'm a bit of an advanced-electronics-o-phobe. Show me what it can do for me and maybe I will change my mind, but I won't learn the obsessive-compulsive details and technicalities (despite my obsessive-compulsiveness).

that I will be rejected for my passion. I may make some small compromises on style or lyrics, but I will not hide my motivations - for they are first and foremost my reasons for being here.

PLEASE make this work for me... though I still wonder if any hearts are eager to hear my story...and if they will be moved by it.

Butterflies in my stomach

Or I think that's what it is - anxiety. I've long attributed it to some odd consequence of my diet, but I'm definitely getting the feeling that it's from freaking out.

Let's tally all this up:

Extra-curricular Activities

• I dropped 4 hours per week of extra-curriculars this year, only to put back a definite 3.5h/week (if I get hired for SafeWalk) and up to possibly another ~1.5h to 2h/week (on a more on-and-off/casual/as-required basis)
• I already have an on/off 2h/week committment to Asian Students on Kampus (I skip a number of their events - such as movie nights - for 'too much Christianity' reasons)
• This music club stuff. _{UF extra commentary}
• I also decided to get involved in the residence government, since it's a consensus-based, non-hierarchal body and that means there isn't a 'ladder' to climb before one actually has any power. This is the 0.5h/week from the 3.5h figure above (~1 hour meeting every other week). But that's just meetings. I volunteered to work on the monthy newsletter and I might come up with some silly ideas for events like a lip-synch/air-band show and then end up having to organize those too.

Academics

• I have class starting at 8AM four days a week and one of those mornings is a chemistry lab
• Both of my chemistry lab courses are extremely anal about their respective dissimilar lab book formats
• I've been asked to keep my mouth shut about German grammar until after the midterm exam :(
• ZOMG101 (the GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! class) is still a total mess to me and my friends - we have those 30-page journal papers to read and we still have no idea what the prof is going on about and he won't put up his lecture slides in colour, which totally ruins most of the charts and maps and diagrams on them, and his guest speakers give presentations that are 10000000 (ten million) times more interesting, informative, and factual. Uhhuh. What am I supposed to actually KNOW for the exams?
• There are three more class periods before our first English paper is due and my prof still hasn't actually managed to show us how to do a 'close reading'/analysis of a poem. I know that while the traditional study of literature is about hypothesizing about what the author of the work may have meant through the text its social context (wait, isn't that comparative lit?) - which would make a paper about a 'close reading' a bit of a research paper - my take on what a 'close reading' is is much more personal - how do I interpret the poem personally - thus illustrating the enduring appeal of the work as, well, literature. Anyway, if she doesn't get through that in the next period (tomorrow), I'm booking a nice, long office hour with her to figure out what I need to write about and how to go about it. She can't expect us to know how to write such a paper already; this is a freshman-level English course.
• German may be my shoo-in for one A in each of my terms this year, but I gotta keep the rest of the grades up there too. Not only is this year my LAST and FINAL chance (LETZTE und ENDGÜLTIGE Gelegenheit; VIIMEINEN ja LOPULLINEN tilaisuus _{okay that took far longer than it should have}), I want to try for a 3.2 (B-just-shy-of-B+) so I can get a $1000 scholarship.

Life

• I gotta cook for myself amidst this whirlwind of activities
• My RA is wondering how I'm getting along with integrating myself with the floor/house. It's not working very well, mind, given that I appear to have been stuck with the party wing of the floor. I'm not a big fan of the spontaneous events that happen around here like parties (don't tolerate drunkenness), poker night (don't play casino games), loud conversation (I wanna sleep, k?), soccer (too much running), and loud music (ugh, techno/dance); I prefer quieter pursuits such as just studying in the same room or the occasional conversation while cooking or maybe chess/board games. The organized events are a little better - I still get a little bit of the outcast feeling and claustrophobia from the larger group, but they are supposed to be organized with a schedule of events and a sort of plan for the proceedings so at least SOMEONE will know what's going on and they have also filled all of the appropriate paperwork, which means that they are usually events at which alcohol is not allowed.
• I gotta keep on top of this "going to bed at appropriate times, provided the rest of the floor is not peeving me off with their partying and loud music and playing frickin' soccer in the hallway at midnight" thing, or it's gonna affect my academics. Again. (See point above about the last chance thing.)