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Stream of Consciousness [journal]
May. 7th, 2005 02:58 pm
Just me rambling on for the last week about stuff. I was going to try to make it in some organized manner, but then that wouldn't be stream of consciousness anymore would it be now? I'll just type this out as is.
For eight months there was no such thing as complete darkness. Night was always just that - night - without adjectives, and the warm light of the mall never ceased, casting shadows. Sleeping there would be a glow from under my door.
Without my darkness I was so weak I could not stand. I had no will to fight. In fact my will drained away the longer I had been there.
At first it was homesickness. I missed comfort food and tried to make it often. But work was a challenge, and soon the invariable loneliness settled in because I hardly knew anyone.
=
I am sleeping in the basement right now, because it feel more familiar to me: conquering a flight of stairs in the (semi) dark, shivering and plodding heavily onward with a bowl of soup in one hand, knowing I'm the last one to go to bed.
Then came people who took their freedom for granted. Independence comes with two parts: freedom and responsibility. They need each other. It's not fun to be free - it's an endless struggle to remain free. But there is also responsibility: to be independent is to be responsible and in charge of one's money, resources, lifestyle, health, education, among others. People think freedom comes cheap, and that taking precautions like having designated drivers counts as the extent of [taking] responsibility at a party. Responsibility is about everything around you, so that you may earn your freedom.
=
From then on there was an endless struggle - versus those of the "live and let live," "let them, but help them from the consequences of their actions," and the "don't judge without experience" schools. I am not for an "every man for himself" model; I want to see people grow and learn from their mistakes for the better.
Remember: freedom isn't free, nor is it fun. Freedom is hard work and suffering.
=
So, reasonably enough, there is pain. We learn from it. I learned to expect to make blunders along the way, and not to be fearful of them. But we must accept them. Don't plan to avoid them, but when you encouter them, rather than wiping it away, deal with it. Listen to what it wants. And most of all, don't hint at it in a student publication.
=
Between episodes of anger and frustration and fighting other people's habits of relaxation and celebration, I fought with myself, in futile efforts to undo the ills that the shock of confronting the heavily intoxicated has caused me. I use "has" instead of "had" because although rest eventually conquered the ill that affected my studies most - my persistant sleeping-in past 8:30 - it yanked out a loose screw that I had been trying trying to tighten.
This became most evident after I cured that first sleeping problem. I sank back into depression back beyond where I had originally started. I began to display all of the textbook symptoms: insomnia, loss of appetite, short attention span and loss of focus, no motivation, loss of self-esteem, chronic fatigue. This was worst during the last month, I think, especially the last couple of weeks (exam period). It wasn't the stress or stdying that kept me up until 4 or 5 for several nights a week. Now that I'm home, homesickness isn't a factor anymore and sleeping has been much easier and having regularly scheduled meals with the family also helps - although I don't eat as much anymore. While we're at it, I gained 5 pounds over the year. Rajaton may have been an injection of energy for that week prior to exams, but it is only that - an injection, not a magic cure.
=
There is no such thing as a magic cure for anything, only magic medicines that will help you recover. They will open doors, and give you the strength, energy, motivation, and means to be healed. I'm still searching for my magic medicine. I just hope it exists.
=
I know I am not, but I feel trapped in the lower middle rather than the higher middle: the people I am in touch with more often are the ones with straight B's, or even A's, the one who fret over and study for hours for each exam. There are others, who aren't doing so well, the handful that is getting their just reward for enjoying drinking, sleeping with other...people, doing drugs, and so on. But there are still a lot of people unaccounted for, and there may just be some who haven't yet but will receive their punishment for these things in due time.
I feel overwhelmed by the high achievers, simply because they are what I try so hard to be but cannot be, and even more so because I associate as minimally as possible with the corrupted.
For eight months there was no such thing as complete darkness. Night was always just that - night - without adjectives, and the warm light of the mall never ceased, casting shadows. Sleeping there would be a glow from under my door.
Without my darkness I was so weak I could not stand. I had no will to fight. In fact my will drained away the longer I had been there.
At first it was homesickness. I missed comfort food and tried to make it often. But work was a challenge, and soon the invariable loneliness settled in because I hardly knew anyone.
=
I am sleeping in the basement right now, because it feel more familiar to me: conquering a flight of stairs in the (semi) dark, shivering and plodding heavily onward with a bowl of soup in one hand, knowing I'm the last one to go to bed.
Then came people who took their freedom for granted. Independence comes with two parts: freedom and responsibility. They need each other. It's not fun to be free - it's an endless struggle to remain free. But there is also responsibility: to be independent is to be responsible and in charge of one's money, resources, lifestyle, health, education, among others. People think freedom comes cheap, and that taking precautions like having designated drivers counts as the extent of [taking] responsibility at a party. Responsibility is about everything around you, so that you may earn your freedom.
=
From then on there was an endless struggle - versus those of the "live and let live," "let them, but help them from the consequences of their actions," and the "don't judge without experience" schools. I am not for an "every man for himself" model; I want to see people grow and learn from their mistakes for the better.
Remember: freedom isn't free, nor is it fun. Freedom is hard work and suffering.
=
So, reasonably enough, there is pain. We learn from it. I learned to expect to make blunders along the way, and not to be fearful of them. But we must accept them. Don't plan to avoid them, but when you encouter them, rather than wiping it away, deal with it. Listen to what it wants. And most of all, don't hint at it in a student publication.
=
Between episodes of anger and frustration and fighting other people's habits of relaxation and celebration, I fought with myself, in futile efforts to undo the ills that the shock of confronting the heavily intoxicated has caused me. I use "has" instead of "had" because although rest eventually conquered the ill that affected my studies most - my persistant sleeping-in past 8:30 - it yanked out a loose screw that I had been trying trying to tighten.
This became most evident after I cured that first sleeping problem. I sank back into depression back beyond where I had originally started. I began to display all of the textbook symptoms: insomnia, loss of appetite, short attention span and loss of focus, no motivation, loss of self-esteem, chronic fatigue. This was worst during the last month, I think, especially the last couple of weeks (exam period). It wasn't the stress or stdying that kept me up until 4 or 5 for several nights a week. Now that I'm home, homesickness isn't a factor anymore and sleeping has been much easier and having regularly scheduled meals with the family also helps - although I don't eat as much anymore. While we're at it, I gained 5 pounds over the year. Rajaton may have been an injection of energy for that week prior to exams, but it is only that - an injection, not a magic cure.
=
There is no such thing as a magic cure for anything, only magic medicines that will help you recover. They will open doors, and give you the strength, energy, motivation, and means to be healed. I'm still searching for my magic medicine. I just hope it exists.
=
I know I am not, but I feel trapped in the lower middle rather than the higher middle: the people I am in touch with more often are the ones with straight B's, or even A's, the one who fret over and study for hours for each exam. There are others, who aren't doing so well, the handful that is getting their just reward for enjoying drinking, sleeping with other...people, doing drugs, and so on. But there are still a lot of people unaccounted for, and there may just be some who haven't yet but will receive their punishment for these things in due time.
I feel overwhelmed by the high achievers, simply because they are what I try so hard to be but cannot be, and even more so because I associate as minimally as possible with the corrupted.
