I think I'm doomed. [spont.]

[kyrasantae]

So Odd Boy tells me that I'll be screwed at university if I don't set for myself the most regimented of schedules for my homework time, that organization is key. I don't know what to say to that, except that it seems all too true (considering also that I have a 20 unit course load per term). I need the freedom of time. I cannot motivate myself to stick to a self-created schedule. Certainly, I like to be a little bit teacher-directed in my learning, but my homework time must be flexible. It'll probably lead to some desperate all-nighters, but I think that, isn't that just all part of the mystique and drama I think that my life deserves? Do I, and should I, have to rely on trying to defy the odds to make it where I want to go?

Another thing: Maybe I have to admit that I'm too trusting of people. Odd Boy just had to point that out to me too. Not to say that I haven't been told that before, but the way he said it really hit it home. Here I was, thinking that I had found someone who was really going to form a lasting bond with me, and all he was in reality was one of those people who forms relationships with people simply because of association. He'd get to know a couple of people in each of his classes, but once he's done with that class, it's over. Maybe I'm only so trusting right now because it's coming down to an end of things and I'm so desperate to find people who I can relate to and associate with and share ideas. Maybe that's why I've suddenly got an influx of friends. But I can't simply live a life without friends, even if they are temporary, I've only really got one lasting friend. I've known her since grade four, but she and I are almost irreconciliatorily different in some ways. Even though she's probably coming to Edmonton with me next year and also studying engineering, she's not the type of person I'd discuss my spiritual and mental issues with.

Grad's on Friday, and people are trying really hard to make me treat it like an upbeat celebration. I think that rather than graduation being an ending of a period of our lives, it is the beginning of a new one. And so it just doesn't seem right to celebrate, as that's more appropriate for endings than beginnings.

I think that's probably enough ranting (whining? complaining?) for now. Good night.

P.S. To anyone who reads this, please leave some sort of comment, so I know you're there. Tell me what is it about me that stops me from being like my other friends, whose friends often make comments on their posts. I don't think it's about how often I post, but what's in me that I write when I post. Thanks. It's open to anonymous posts, so you don't have to be an LJ user, but please leave your initial or name or something so I know who you are.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

hehe, u know, I think u just have a very unique way of thinking of things. U belive in your beliefs so strongly that little things that slip past other ppl get caught with u. This makes u more of a direct individual, some1 who is not able to relax and just go with the flow, u must have your point made, and will not do something if it even slightly is against something u r against. Friends never last all your life, no friend will be there forever. In the end, we are all alone in this world. What do u mean by the end of things is coming? Thats not a good thought...
Moners

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

by "end of things" I meant the end of, you know, the whole 12 years of school thing. Kind of the last chance to really really get to know people you went to school with.

[kp-mike.livejournal.com]

If the advice I offer is of any help to you, I'd say to have strength and hold out for a few more months until University. It's going to be a whole new world, and you won't have to worry about seeing people in high school any more. There's a whole greater mentality among people as well, as there are far more intellectuals, and far fewer who are concerned with popularity, social status, and other typical high school trains of thought. Hang in there hun :)

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

But...what about the workload?! I need to desperately utterly succeed, and if what Odd Boy says is true then I *am* doomed!

[kp-mike.livejournal.com]

*shrugs*
I'm the same way when it comes to organization and workloads. As long as you can manage the way you have so far, there must be something we're doing right.

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

Oh you mean the slacking off part? I seem to get good grades because of a certain knack. My parents always say that I'd do better in math and sciences (not my strongest subjects) if only I'd try harder and did more exercises. Meh. That's how my IB friends do it. They have a knack for math but they still try. That's how they get 95% averages.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now.