I feel so awful

[kyrasantae]

Like an unshakable feeling of guilt. So I will confess.

I borrowed my friend's credit card so that I could buy some stuff for my Guild Wars account to qualify for an online store-exclusive bonus; there was no way my parents would have let me done this because they don't want me video gaming at all, let alone spend money online for it. That's why I had to ask my friend... I'm paying him back, but I feel so bad about it.


Going back to the theme of being more open and honest to my parents, I don't see how I could ever justify this in front of them, if I cannot justify what comes before it (that I play video games).

They are, of course, convinced I have an online addiction-type thing - even if it were so I have friends in the real world and as such I could survive... yet here is not the only place I retreat to in times of sorrow (and these be many). If I do not retreat here I retreat to music. And that, too, is frowned upon by them.

Claim my real life friends aren't real and then take away my online family - and the further I descend into music, which is my pseudo-religion, for comfort.

Choose one - I cannot have neither.

For some reason unknown to me I also agreed to go to church today with said friend. I mean, I greatly respect my group of Christian friends and I get some strange pleasure from going to their Bible studies, but this feels so awkward. I've told him that I'll be staying outside for a little bit and come in late to the service because they do their little worship thing with their worship band at the beginning and you know I have taken it upon myself to never again witness a rock band playing until I can have my own.

But all this is probably why I find myself awake after a couple of hours of sleep. And I'm tired too.

Is God trying to tell me something?


Edit: I didn't end up going to church; see comment below

Dream Theater - "A Change of Seasons: V. Another World"

So far or so it seems all is lost
With nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and the T.V. screen
Another world where nothing's true

Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up

I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why

Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what
Don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see

I'm sick of all you hypocrites
Holding me at bay
And I don't need your sympathy
To get me through the day

Seasons change and so can I
Hold on Boy,
No time to cry
Untie these strings
I'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away

Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what
Don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me

Comments

[siromygod.livejournal.com]

Well, I wanted to let you know I read this, but I honestly have no idea what to say to you.

Well, I agree with the going to church thing though.

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

I ended up not going to church, since I had a rather bad night's sleep and I realized that I hardly ever get to have lunch with my folks (I didn't yesterday and during the work week I sleep through lunch).

The feeling was getting too awkward anyway... I don't mind more traditional services such as Catholic, Anglican, Lutheran, or United, where people sing chants or hymns (I've done that with choir) but the contemporary worship music thing kinda bugs me, I guess. I'd sing hymns anyday over, idunno, for example, a Casting Crowns song (hahaha I actually have one of their songs on my computer...)