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kyrasantae
I think I'm utterly exhausted in every way: physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm tired from lack of sleep -- this has been so for a very long time, I think it's been all school year. And it's not very much by choice. Of course there are times I stay up to do homework, but when I don't have homework, it's just an inability to want to sleep. I'm so mentally worked out my mind keeps wanting to take a break but I have to force it to work for me; this procrastination makes more late nights for me. Even when I manage to persuade myself to sit down and work, I can't think or concentrate. All that comes out of me is some shallow BS that I don't even understand myself. It's somehow all incoherent and meaningless to me. This is something the antidote didn't cure from the poison of IB. It was too late to repair that bit of damage. So many days of trying to avoid and resist that which would harm me has completely demotivated me.
I'm psychologically weary because I'm trying to find ways to save myself from this, to find rest in a turbulent environment that keeps loading work on me. So far I have not found rest. I've looked for ways to release my feelings, but they've only brought back twice the stress. That pressure is draining me emotionally, and now my temper is on such a short string, and a small insult is enough for a grudge. Not only that, even the vaguest reminder of the past irks me and I tire myself out defending my reactions to things to people who just won't understand, and certainly wouldn't understand.
With all this falling apart around me, it's tiring to keep my two feet on the ground and a handle on what's going on in reality. It's so hard to hang on to life when I can't feel the fruits of my efforts in keeping myself awake in spirit. The liveliness of the world seems to slowly drain away from me. I cannot feel the joy that is meant to be brought to me and feel like I belong here. That makes me very lost because I don't have an identity to work towards anymore. It feels so hollow talking with close friends -- my words ring hollowly in their ears and their words ring hollowly in mine.
I've become some weary creature crawling about aimlessly, and I don't even know why. I need a vacation away from here, without my family. And I hope that my birthday plans will be, if not a vacation, then at least a break for me. I hope it will be liberation enough to let me rest and recover in peace for a little while.
I'm psychologically weary because I'm trying to find ways to save myself from this, to find rest in a turbulent environment that keeps loading work on me. So far I have not found rest. I've looked for ways to release my feelings, but they've only brought back twice the stress. That pressure is draining me emotionally, and now my temper is on such a short string, and a small insult is enough for a grudge. Not only that, even the vaguest reminder of the past irks me and I tire myself out defending my reactions to things to people who just won't understand, and certainly wouldn't understand.
With all this falling apart around me, it's tiring to keep my two feet on the ground and a handle on what's going on in reality. It's so hard to hang on to life when I can't feel the fruits of my efforts in keeping myself awake in spirit. The liveliness of the world seems to slowly drain away from me. I cannot feel the joy that is meant to be brought to me and feel like I belong here. That makes me very lost because I don't have an identity to work towards anymore. It feels so hollow talking with close friends -- my words ring hollowly in their ears and their words ring hollowly in mine.
I've become some weary creature crawling about aimlessly, and I don't even know why. I need a vacation away from here, without my family. And I hope that my birthday plans will be, if not a vacation, then at least a break for me. I hope it will be liberation enough to let me rest and recover in peace for a little while.
