On hope

[kyrasantae]

Back on the forum where I was lurking (see two posts back):

...but it is important to keep a sense of realism as well, otherwise the disappointment will be huge.

...just maybe don't put everything in that one hope.

No, there are other hopes...

...right now this one is actually on semi-hiatus as I'm trying to get through my exams.

There must be other hopes. If there were no other hopes I wouldn't be writing stuff like "GET OUT OF MY LIFE ALREADY, TH!!!" on my LJ.

I *do* want to start my own band when I'm finished university. I'd move to Finland, since I'd like my band to be Finnish, since I have a Finnish stage name, and I'd want to make music in the styles of NW, Within Temptation, Evanescence, and a bit of Viikate all rolled into one. I don't sing *in* Finnish terribly, to boot :) I just don't actually speak the language... yet.

But when you take into account that I've never had singing lessons, I ain't that bad :)

I'm not a huge fan of posting my stuff absolutely everywhere, especially on an official sort of discussion site - I'm afraid to get torn down through being compared with other candidates, because I know I can't compare, and that's why I keep writing that "I know I'm not strong enough for you [,TH]".

There's not much I can do about audio quality, I'm afraid, and that's normally the first thing that gets criticized when I post my samples, unfortunately.

On disappointment: I think I've been through every emotion humanly possible for the two weeks I was really working hard on recording stuff left right and centre - from blind adoration to genuine gratitude to absolute disappointment to utter despair to frustration to desperation to anger to betrayal. And emotions strike me hard. I was crippled for several days, able to do nothing but lay on my bed and cry, else be recording. Not even my boyfriend could lift me out of my emotions; not even my boyfriend could drag me out of my room; he had to bring me food to eat.

I set myself apart by being a different kind of fan. I love[d] them not for what they do, but for what they did for me. I'm not doing this because I'm some crazy fangirl who thinks she can make it. They woke me from my ignorance [of self] and my slumber, and in my application I intend to let them know that. I'm doing this as a sort of payback, in return for what they did for me. What I do not have in my singing I have to make up for in showing my intended dedication to their ideals. And I chose to do that through my writing.

There's only me, my voice, love, and hope. Lots of love, but mostly hope. And this crazy imaginary love/hate relationship with TH. And my amazing writing. I have writing skills (poetry and prose), I don't deny that, but I don't have any experience actually writing songs. But write I do, and write I will.


Ah, yes. Before we forget: GLS once held my title for "Most Amazing Song on the Planet, Evar." But Beauty of the Beast had its moment to shine too. Then the hate part of the love/hate relationship kicked in, and I haven't listened to any NW for, oh... two weeks now. (Except when I'm practicing Sleeping Sun or Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan on the piano.) I thought maybe it'd be good to keep my head clear for exam time, but maybe it's hurting me more now that I'm almost just listening to WT every day. I don't know.

Hmm, this song is oddly appropriate.