Readers' Digest version of events...

[kyrasantae]

[sorry this is copy/pasted, with some minor modifications, from a chat. it's messy, but it'll help explain the post below it.]

after six years i was finally able to explain to my parents that it wasn't right for them to blame me for becoming depressed...but in fact it was their fault. then weird things happened. my mom's blood pressure went down so she didn't have to take pills for it like she had been for the last year. i found NW, and my childhood dream of being a musician came back stronger than it had ever been. i started seeing the world as an artist again. but one important thing went away: the delusions that were my reality. the delusions that told me that it's good to be studying engineering, that engineering is important to me and my future.

the wackiest bit of it all was the thought that ended up starting that chain of events.

it was a thought that i randomly came up with while talking to a friend on the way back to the dorm after class on a snowy day [in January this year].

==

the sundering happened because my parents thought that i was spending too much time with my fantasy novels and my D&D books (mind, i never played, actually.)

one day i came home from school and all of my fantasy books were gone. they threatened to seal them in a box and lock them in the attic.
at the time i never understood why they'd do that to me unless it really *was* detracting that much from my schoolwork. a couple of weeks later they let me back into my stuff, but what they had done had worked - i had lost interest in it all.

yet over the next few years my schoolwork continued to deteriorate, and my parents could only blame my attitude, blamed some lasting effect from my fantasy book days, blamed me. and in my heart i knew that wasn't true, but i couldn't explain why. until that snowy day.

and this is that thought:

the fantasy books and the dreams of D&D were a means for me to project my fantasies onto something physical, something that i could close and put away when i was done with them.

i've always had a wild imagination and it needs to go somewhere, right?

but when those books were taken away, i had nowhere to deposit those dreams, and so they stayed inside me, becoming me. it's why i still feel like i need to be a hero. it's why, if i had the choice, i'd dress as a fantastical 'wise woman warrior' character like Eowyn or someone like that.

and that was what was distracting me all these years.

basically, when my parents took my books from me then it had only made the problem worse, not better.

and that was the thought that was the key to all this

that this was never my fault in the first place

i've spent most of the last 6 years attempting to project it in my artwork, but that has its limitations

thing is, the sundering also coincides with the time i stopped thinking of music as a career and started to think of more practical things like teaching or practicing law or engineering

which is why i think the final resolution of that problem opened the door for NW to resurrect it.

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