True Colours / A Quiet Rage [UF repost]
Apr. 9th, 2006 01:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyrasantae
I'm *this* close to abandoning all hope for this project to be one for NW. For myself, as a portfolio of my work - sure. But not for them.
I'm better off alone, finding my own place in the bigger picture of things.
Part of me doesn't feel like I should be part of them anymore. My best explanation why is that it feels like the spirit of TH has betrayed me, but I can't explain why that is. So there isn't really an explanation. I just know that they are no longer sacred to me, because I can stare straight at my flags now (I normally am averse to looking at things which I deem holy or very special to me).
I've never cried so hard or for so long since the Sundering (more than six years ago when I first became depressed).
No amount of empowerment will ever take me back to the enthusiasm I had for this project two weeks ago. It's gone now.
I gave myself for this. I gave away all sense of security and normalcy for this, and I have gained only more sorrows and uncertainty. An uncertainty that my parents will never understand. They will never forgive me for giving up my schoolwork for my art to the point where I'm going to have to repeat this year.
I know you all still want me to keep trying, but I just can't go on.
It's a recurring theme in my life...I come close...but then I lose my will before I can get there. All things which are labours of love end that way.
The empty hole in my spirit only gets bigger with each iteration. Why do I keep putting myself through this?
Thus the healing must begin. But how long will it take?
Still I wish to sing...that shall not be abandoned.
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul
I was asked at my job interview on Friday what my greatest strength and my greatest weakness was. Determination is both my strength and my undoing; it moves me forward, but sometimes I just don't know when to stop and I take it too far... I've done it again.
Do not forget me... great things have yet to happen. I know they will.
I'm better off alone, finding my own place in the bigger picture of things.
Part of me doesn't feel like I should be part of them anymore. My best explanation why is that it feels like the spirit of TH has betrayed me, but I can't explain why that is. So there isn't really an explanation. I just know that they are no longer sacred to me, because I can stare straight at my flags now (I normally am averse to looking at things which I deem holy or very special to me).
I've never cried so hard or for so long since the Sundering (more than six years ago when I first became depressed).
No amount of empowerment will ever take me back to the enthusiasm I had for this project two weeks ago. It's gone now.
I gave myself for this. I gave away all sense of security and normalcy for this, and I have gained only more sorrows and uncertainty. An uncertainty that my parents will never understand. They will never forgive me for giving up my schoolwork for my art to the point where I'm going to have to repeat this year.
I know you all still want me to keep trying, but I just can't go on.
It's a recurring theme in my life...I come close...but then I lose my will before I can get there. All things which are labours of love end that way.
The empty hole in my spirit only gets bigger with each iteration. Why do I keep putting myself through this?
Thus the healing must begin. But how long will it take?
Still I wish to sing...that shall not be abandoned.
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul
I was asked at my job interview on Friday what my greatest strength and my greatest weakness was. Determination is both my strength and my undoing; it moves me forward, but sometimes I just don't know when to stop and I take it too far... I've done it again.
Do not forget me... great things have yet to happen. I know they will.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 01:31 pm (UTC)I'd hug you, but I know of your collection of stabby devices and I do not fancy one of them in my back. :)
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Date: 2006-04-09 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 01:36 pm (UTC)Oh, and {{{kyrasantae}}}
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Date: 2006-04-09 01:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 01:41 pm (UTC)Oh, and there are high chances of me getting to go to Edmonton this year -- My property manager wants me to get to know his parents (my landlord), and they live in Edmonton. :-)
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Date: 2006-04-09 01:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 01:57 pm (UTC)I'll have to see when I'll get to go up there -- I won't arrive in Canadia before August as it is..
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Date: 2006-04-09 01:59 pm (UTC)Oh, okay. Yeah I'll be in school for the fall.
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Date: 2006-04-09 02:00 pm (UTC)I expected as much -- how's school going?
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Date: 2006-04-09 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 11:28 pm (UTC){{{kyrasantae}}}
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Date: 2006-04-09 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-09 11:32 pm (UTC)You took my heart,
deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they would turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realise
It was all just a lie.
--Within Temptation, "Angels"
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Date: 2006-04-09 11:37 pm (UTC)It's ok.
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Date: 2006-04-09 11:39 pm (UTC)