The *Real* Last Confession

[kyrasantae]

[UF repost]
['The Last Confession' is the filename for my NW introductory letter. This takes a totally different tone.]

The more I think about this, the more it consumes me... the more my thoughts do not stray from this dream, but...

I have no hope. I don't stand a single chance at this. The more I stand there, singing, trying my hardest to sound as good as I possibly can,the worse it becomes. I don't have what it takes. And I don't think the drama and theatrics are going to play in my favour.

Yet I've already crossed the point of no return; I've given everything for this. I've given my academics, my health, my one true love – the joy of music – for this. And as this hope fades, my true love fades with me. Music was all that ever kept me alive for so long, and in giving it as the cornerstone of this dream I have made my ultimate sacrifice. How could I ever love again as I once had?

There is no more left for me to live for.

Maybe I've been lying to myself all along. I keep thinking that I can dance, sing, draw, write... but in reality, I'm only mediocre in everything. None of those things make me stand out.

Why do I think as an artist when I do not have the talent and skills to be one? Artistry takes discipline – discipline I have never had.

Am I doomed to have my dreams remain forever dreams? Am I doomed to die and die again in spirit?

I do not see the potential for any joy to come out of this. To some there may be the satisfaction of a project completed, a job well done, a piece of something for the future. But there is none of that for me. There is only the inevitable failure, doubled with the reality that I'm at risk of being on academic probation if I don't do well in exams this term.

But of course, how could I think of school? All thoughts, save those of an impossible dream, have abandoned me. Every night I lay in bed and weep for hours before falling asleep, only capable of desperation and mourning.

There is no life for me to return to after this, no matter the outcome.

No sympathy, no eternity / one life for each undeserved tear

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone
No love left in me / no eyes to see the heaven beside me

Where have all the feelings gone? / Why has all the laughter ceased?
Why am I loved only when I'm gone?
How can I ever feel again? / Given the chance would I return?
'Why is the deadliest sin to love as I loved you?'

I only wished to become something beautiful / through my music, through my silent devotion

There was more, but I cannot think of them right now.

I searched my sorrows for beauty, but could only find despair. This is the end.

All of the songs I have recorded so far have had their links consolidated on my LJ. It is unlikely that I'll be able to spit out another good recording within the next week.

It is now up to you to choose your favourite three / three most worthy, and which to leave off the disc, since I wish to have as many songs on the disc as possible, while only highlighting the top three.

In addition to the songs, the first track on my CD will be a short greeting in Finnish. I haven't finalized its words yet:

Tervehdys teille, Tuomas, Marco, Jukka ja Emppu. Tahdon teidän tietävän, että kunnioitan sydämeni pohjasta kaikkea mitä teettekään, ja kiittää teitä kaikkia tästä elämäni mahdollisuudesta.

Tämä on vaatimaton lahjani teille.

(Translation mostly courtesy of Jani Eväkallio)