Delusions of Grandeur / A Call from Beyond

[kyrasantae]

(Repost from here (last night); discussion continued here (today).)

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I may never know why, but my soul craves a certain kind of drama. A very theatrical kind, but it's more than that as well. It's also the air of celebrity -- that there are hordes of loyal and adoring fans who you will never meet but will follow your drama and will be there to support you all of the way.

But for celebrity you need fame. And for fame you need talent. You also need luck and the right people. I have none.

Hand in hand with drama is tragedy, and I'd love to have my share of tragedies, too.

Oh cruel world, why do you mock me? Why do you take out of my reach all I have ever wanted?

If I had the opportunity to do something I love with a reasonable possibility of financial security, I would forsake my professional skills in a heartbeat. Engineering satisfies my curiosity to know how to make things and how stuff works, but it is not nourishing to the soul. The purpose of its work is not to express and share your feelings, your emotions, your worldview: the stuff that makes you human. Its work is alienating -- someone who looks at it isn't going to learn anything about you through it. There is no intimacy, a heart to heart, mind to mind relationship between the maker and the user.

What is work anyway, if you can't make it personally meaningful to both you and those who benefit from it? It's just another chore. Maybe some people like that, but art and expressing is an undeniable part of me. Imagine, if I could devote every moment of my life to the music that I love, I could be doing so much more than crying to it -- I could be performing it, writing it, making a living with it.

It's artists who get all that drama anyway, isn't it? Maybe it's because expression is such an important part of their work, and that their life experiences also directly impact that work.

I wrote that last week. A couple of people on the board have seen it already, but the majority hasn't.

And I'm still sitting here, sketching imaginary band logos (don't have a scanner handy or I'd post some) singing along to Nightwish, punishing myself for not being able to sing the high soprano notes (I'm an alto), thinking:

I love this because that's how I sing and that's the style of music (dark (not goth, though...) metal) I like...

...and I'm crying because I know I am worth something... something more than what I am now...

I am meant to be an artist. I want to be a singer. Not a trained classical singer, but a vocalist nonetheless. And this dream of becoming famous, becoming known... chokes me and won't let go.

It's not about the glamour (fame and celebrity isn't glamourous at all), but the feeling of never being alone, being recognized for doing something you love, the feeling of, well, being loved, and having my existence and presence known: the feeling that I am a valuable contribution to the lives around me. Music inspires me and I wish for it to inspire those around me.

But how could I ever begin...

You can't ask for fame... it has to come to you...

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Any takers?

It is less about the fame than it is about being what I should be: being that leader in control of my destiny; making a living from drama; making productive use of my emotionalism/sensitivity. I will know my fame when my fans set up a page on Wikipedia with my name on it.

There is, I think, a reason why all this struck me at this time with such force. I have a suspicion as to what this reason may be, but it is for another time.

(feng_li: let me hear an organ rendition of "Sleeping Sun" and I'll consider you. My version of the song with altered lyrics *so* has to be a staple. And I can *so* imagine an organ/drum accompaniment to it. ;P )

Comments

Re: I'll see what I can do.

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

I normally use Finale, but that's because I learned to use it 9 years ago in junior let's-play-with-composition class. And I have an *ahem* copy lying around here.

Esteis (I think) pointed out lilypond.org, a markup language (sort of like LaTeX) that does what appears to be really nice manuscript. If you're uncomfortable with the plaintext style of entry I believe there's some Lilypond GUIs for Linux.


But how do you mark down which stops you need to use?