(no subject)

[kyrasantae]

I am drunk with something, and it's not drink. It is a calmness with a tinge of sadness, that I know not what to do. I cannot imagine myself enjoying any future occupation, or a family of my own (the latter due to moral reservations). I once thought I was destined to be some kind of performance artist, but now how hopeless that is -- I chase after opening but am never chosen, and never good enough -- even if I tell them of my desperation, sympathy gets me nowhere too. They say not to let it trouble me, but how do they know what it's like to be turned down for everything they've willingly and unwillingly tried out for? Maybe this wouldn't be if I had never been pulled into where I have been for years. It was as if, in the passing of an hour or two, four years ago, that destiny was swept away, never to return. It was as if from then on, I would never win, never achieve something special, never earn recognition for my talents again. I do not wish to go back, but imagine who I could be, if I could feel the way I do in the present but still had that talent and achievement I used to have. O, no more!