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kyrasantae
Read into it what you will:
09 10 2005 - I tire, but do not lie down, no longer human but a drone without feeling.
09 12 2005 - It feels like everything about me has died, except for my basic mobility and my consciousness. I don't feel that there is a purpose to my existence now, like some giant anticlimax.
09 17 2005 - If there is to be one certainty, it is that I'll never sleep normally again.
09 18 2005 - Without a map I can no longer find my way.
09 23 2005 - As every weekend rolls by the worse I feel about the atmosphere... and my knees are so bad now they hurt even when walking, and not that much walking, either.
09 27 2005 - How can I allow myself to be happy if by doing so I destroy everyone's lives?
09 29 2005 - Angel, I bid thee fly! Release me and fly away! I am not yours to command, to fight in your name!
But embrace me with your darkness, o Angel, for it is my strength. Let me serve you for your glory.
10 01 2005 - I am drunk without drinking; drunk without sleep -- and so be ill, without ever a chance to recover.
10 08 2005 - How could it be that I want everything but at the same time want nothing?
10 14 2005 - I tell myself to do something but I can only do its opposite. So I fall and continue to fall, without so much as a whisper of "I believe that you are right," from even acquaintances, to let me learn to fly.
10 18 2005 - Something is destroying me. Destroying me by apathy. Work is no longer interesting; I'm only left with this craving for a relaxed, social life I can never have. Especially not right now. Apathy to the point where even basic needs don't matter anymore.
10 19 2005 - I think that I may have once said that if I fall, I should fall gracefully. From grace, with grace. But I fall too quickly, no time to take a breath.
10 20 2005 - This madness must end, but how? And who speaks for the mad?
It is at this time that I shall strive no more to be "better," but only to be good enough.
Has there ever been a worse month than this? Never.
Forgive me if you shall find me under your feet. There was nothing more I could do.
10 21 2005 - What I once was will never return.
10 25 2005 - Please tell me that this will be over soon... I need to get back to where I was before... and the longer this lasts, the more difficult that will be...
10 26 2005 - I cannot blame on laziness what cannot be named. It remains unknown, the cause of all this pain of late. But until I can call it by name, I have no power over it. There is no one to ask, though, and no one who knows because even I don't know.
10 27 2005 - I cannot take responsibility for what I did not begin.
10 30 2005 - Is this the end? Will this song be that which will haunt me as I leave this world?
In this last month I have endured more pain than I have ever endured, made so because I have no inkling as to what will end it or even ease it a little.
In the face of it all, the sleeplessness caused me to miss classes; missing classes caused frustration in doing homework/studying; which causes lost interest in further attending classes; which causes further frustration over academics and life in general -- thus is what has been.
10 31 2005 - Finite causes resulting in infinite consequences... Every night is like a nightmare that does not end... It is a nightmare because I know I should not be like this yet I am powerless to change it. It is unkind to hold me responsible for not having acted to prevent this. No human deliberately caused this, therefore none can be put to blame. It must therefore be an act of God -- but God acts with purpose: what is the purpose of this?
11 04 2005 - If this is not insanity, I don't know what is.
11 07 2005 - I no longer exist as an identity capable of existing in the diurnal world, as the hours of awakeness eclipse those of the night.
11 15 2005 - ...and I only hope that I will laugh again someday.
11 16 2005 - Never forget the shape that cast this shadow.
11 17 2005 - Goodbye, world I know. I don't know if I'll ever see you again.
11 22 2005 - Feeling relaxed although I know I should be worried instead.
A slow fading from existence...
11 23 2005 - If there are two ways I could fall, at least I have taken the lesser one.
12 01 2005 - No rest, no end, no pause, no hope.
12 02 2005 - Don't let this last strand of confidence break on me.
12 03 2005 - Take me while I'm still innocent, that is, before all of me has died.
12 05 2005 - If nothing else, God, comfort me. Carry me when I am too weak to go on, light my way when I enter the darkness, be by my side always. I need you, because I know you will always love me even when the world seems to have forgotten about me.
12 06 2005 - Give me peace as I fall again, cycle unending.
12 21 2005 - A great burden is lifted, but now I long to chase the shadows again.
12 22 2005 - What do I do with myself now? I have been drained of life, drained of courage, drained of faith. And I could only watch as everything slipped out of my hands.
Nothing has changed. Removing the burden of exams is a lie. There was no burden. In fact, nothing's gotten better. I feel just as terrible, if not worse.
12 23 2005 - And the intuition is true. Things have gotten worse.
12 24 2005 - Very strange. Not the inner sadist but a cold desire to kill. Not out of passion of fire or of darkness; not for pain, but for its own sake... It does not want excess but only one; It wants to turn away so not to face the fatal blow; For it is reluctant, but knows it must be done. This desire, although cold, is not emotionless -- perhaps it is merciful? Why is it there at all? Somehow I know that, inside me, I have died once more.
12 26 2005 - Tell me by what means I shall be slain; Give me those means, and I shall do it. The slate shall be clean once more.
12 27 2005 - What is it that has wronged me, so that my soul cries for vengeance?
12 28 2005 - The end must not come, the dream has not been fulfilled. Until there, there is only waiting.
01 01 2006 - What is to come does not have to be the same as what has come before!
01 02 2006 - There isn't much we can do and get away with these days.
Pacifism is the case inside which my darkness and my curse are kept.
01 03 2006 - I know what I must do...but I cannot bring myself to do it.
01 05 2006 - I like symbols: Internationally recognized ones, as well as personal ones. But the recognizable ones look cheesy in my contexts, and the personal ones are too obscure. Personal ones also get misinterpreted, a lot. I guess I can't be picky about them, that's all.
I'm not as articulate as I used to be. I look back at my older writing and, well, the personal stuff, it still touches me rather -- not necessarily because of the content, but the way I said it.
Maybe I stopped writing like that not because I stopped having time, but because there was no longer something who I could trust to read it unconditionally by his own free will, something who I could believe had a genuine interest in understanding and solving the puzzle of me (whether he was actually interested in that isn't as important).
No one likes to practice, but I like to perform. And to perform there needs to be an audience.
Well, here we go again. I come back to my dorm after the holiday break and what's the first thing I feel? The same old feeling of utter insomnia and boredom I've had through the last term. Nothing's gotten any better. To put this feeling in simpler terms: Nothing motivates me. I just want to vegetate in my room, I don't even want to go buy or make food.
And more than that:
09 10 2005 - I tire, but do not lie down, no longer human but a drone without feeling.
09 12 2005 - It feels like everything about me has died, except for my basic mobility and my consciousness. I don't feel that there is a purpose to my existence now, like some giant anticlimax.
09 17 2005 - If there is to be one certainty, it is that I'll never sleep normally again.
09 18 2005 - Without a map I can no longer find my way.
09 23 2005 - As every weekend rolls by the worse I feel about the atmosphere... and my knees are so bad now they hurt even when walking, and not that much walking, either.
09 27 2005 - How can I allow myself to be happy if by doing so I destroy everyone's lives?
09 29 2005 - Angel, I bid thee fly! Release me and fly away! I am not yours to command, to fight in your name!
But embrace me with your darkness, o Angel, for it is my strength. Let me serve you for your glory.
10 01 2005 - I am drunk without drinking; drunk without sleep -- and so be ill, without ever a chance to recover.
10 08 2005 - How could it be that I want everything but at the same time want nothing?
10 14 2005 - I tell myself to do something but I can only do its opposite. So I fall and continue to fall, without so much as a whisper of "I believe that you are right," from even acquaintances, to let me learn to fly.
10 18 2005 - Something is destroying me. Destroying me by apathy. Work is no longer interesting; I'm only left with this craving for a relaxed, social life I can never have. Especially not right now. Apathy to the point where even basic needs don't matter anymore.
10 19 2005 - I think that I may have once said that if I fall, I should fall gracefully. From grace, with grace. But I fall too quickly, no time to take a breath.
10 20 2005 - This madness must end, but how? And who speaks for the mad?
It is at this time that I shall strive no more to be "better," but only to be good enough.
Has there ever been a worse month than this? Never.
Forgive me if you shall find me under your feet. There was nothing more I could do.
10 21 2005 - What I once was will never return.
10 25 2005 - Please tell me that this will be over soon... I need to get back to where I was before... and the longer this lasts, the more difficult that will be...
10 26 2005 - I cannot blame on laziness what cannot be named. It remains unknown, the cause of all this pain of late. But until I can call it by name, I have no power over it. There is no one to ask, though, and no one who knows because even I don't know.
10 27 2005 - I cannot take responsibility for what I did not begin.
10 30 2005 - Is this the end? Will this song be that which will haunt me as I leave this world?
In this last month I have endured more pain than I have ever endured, made so because I have no inkling as to what will end it or even ease it a little.
In the face of it all, the sleeplessness caused me to miss classes; missing classes caused frustration in doing homework/studying; which causes lost interest in further attending classes; which causes further frustration over academics and life in general -- thus is what has been.
10 31 2005 - Finite causes resulting in infinite consequences... Every night is like a nightmare that does not end... It is a nightmare because I know I should not be like this yet I am powerless to change it. It is unkind to hold me responsible for not having acted to prevent this. No human deliberately caused this, therefore none can be put to blame. It must therefore be an act of God -- but God acts with purpose: what is the purpose of this?
11 04 2005 - If this is not insanity, I don't know what is.
11 07 2005 - I no longer exist as an identity capable of existing in the diurnal world, as the hours of awakeness eclipse those of the night.
11 15 2005 - ...and I only hope that I will laugh again someday.
11 16 2005 - Never forget the shape that cast this shadow.
11 17 2005 - Goodbye, world I know. I don't know if I'll ever see you again.
11 22 2005 - Feeling relaxed although I know I should be worried instead.
A slow fading from existence...
11 23 2005 - If there are two ways I could fall, at least I have taken the lesser one.
12 01 2005 - No rest, no end, no pause, no hope.
12 02 2005 - Don't let this last strand of confidence break on me.
12 03 2005 - Take me while I'm still innocent, that is, before all of me has died.
12 05 2005 - If nothing else, God, comfort me. Carry me when I am too weak to go on, light my way when I enter the darkness, be by my side always. I need you, because I know you will always love me even when the world seems to have forgotten about me.
12 06 2005 - Give me peace as I fall again, cycle unending.
12 21 2005 - A great burden is lifted, but now I long to chase the shadows again.
12 22 2005 - What do I do with myself now? I have been drained of life, drained of courage, drained of faith. And I could only watch as everything slipped out of my hands.
Nothing has changed. Removing the burden of exams is a lie. There was no burden. In fact, nothing's gotten better. I feel just as terrible, if not worse.
12 23 2005 - And the intuition is true. Things have gotten worse.
12 24 2005 - Very strange. Not the inner sadist but a cold desire to kill. Not out of passion of fire or of darkness; not for pain, but for its own sake... It does not want excess but only one; It wants to turn away so not to face the fatal blow; For it is reluctant, but knows it must be done. This desire, although cold, is not emotionless -- perhaps it is merciful? Why is it there at all? Somehow I know that, inside me, I have died once more.
12 26 2005 - Tell me by what means I shall be slain; Give me those means, and I shall do it. The slate shall be clean once more.
12 27 2005 - What is it that has wronged me, so that my soul cries for vengeance?
12 28 2005 - The end must not come, the dream has not been fulfilled. Until there, there is only waiting.
01 01 2006 - What is to come does not have to be the same as what has come before!
01 02 2006 - There isn't much we can do and get away with these days.
Pacifism is the case inside which my darkness and my curse are kept.
01 03 2006 - I know what I must do...but I cannot bring myself to do it.
01 05 2006 - I like symbols: Internationally recognized ones, as well as personal ones. But the recognizable ones look cheesy in my contexts, and the personal ones are too obscure. Personal ones also get misinterpreted, a lot. I guess I can't be picky about them, that's all.
I'm not as articulate as I used to be. I look back at my older writing and, well, the personal stuff, it still touches me rather -- not necessarily because of the content, but the way I said it.
Maybe I stopped writing like that not because I stopped having time, but because there was no longer something who I could trust to read it unconditionally by his own free will, something who I could believe had a genuine interest in understanding and solving the puzzle of me (whether he was actually interested in that isn't as important).
No one likes to practice, but I like to perform. And to perform there needs to be an audience.
Well, here we go again. I come back to my dorm after the holiday break and what's the first thing I feel? The same old feeling of utter insomnia and boredom I've had through the last term. Nothing's gotten any better. To put this feeling in simpler terms: Nothing motivates me. I just want to vegetate in my room, I don't even want to go buy or make food.
And more than that:
- My English class probably has a participation component, so I actually have to show up to class at 8AM;
- I have to put up with three weeks of stupid pride events starting now (SU's "Antifreeze", Engineering's
as-of-yet-still-unrenamed-engineering-week"Geer Week", and Schäffer Hall's "Valhalla"); - Job postings for my summer work term start going up on Tuesday, so I have to keep an eye out for jobs I want (and also my greater concern, interviews and how to pass myself off as a capable person when everything else seems to indicate otherwise, including my transcript);
- I have to upload a new transcript to the job search site (my transcript is... ugly. It's that bad);
- Speaking of which, here's the link to all Workbitch 2006 entries from me and
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forgottenlord that will inevitably show up. forgottenlord is working this term, so he'll probably be writing about his job while I'll be writing about my Quest for a Job that Fulfills a Whole Bunch of Personal Requirements™ (in accordance with my Annual Jihad™).
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Date: 2006-01-09 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-09 10:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-09 10:36 pm (UTC)