I remember...

[kyrasantae]

I have lost much of it to memory.


I remember walking across the open floor, Kalevala in hand, when the door opened and she came in, presumably to speak to the librarian or something.

I remember bowing my head and saying "I'm sorry" and feeling hopeless.

I remember her, hands on her hips, looking at me in the eyes. "It's your decision. You skip, you skip." Then she went to her task.

I remember not being able to move.

I remember thinking, tell her why. Tell her why I did this. I told her when she came back from her task. "A decision based on moral grounds." "Don't justify it to me or to anyone. Justify it to yourself." Then she went her way.

I remember walking briskly upstairs to sit by the windows. The 'what ifs' came. Somehow I felt angry (at her? at myself?) and wrote in verse.

I remember trying to be invisible in choir rehearsal so people from class wouldn't ask me where I had been. Only three knew the truth, and only one of those three is in choir.

I remember telling my friends what I'd done, that night, and trying to infer from her reaction how I would be punished. They suggested that I'd probably be let off, since her words were lesson enough.

I remember being unable to sleep, not knowing what to expect.

I remember trying to look unfazed the next day, while constantly praying under my breath but not letting the possibility of punishment consume me.

I remember she was helping a student at the back desk.

I remember picking up the missed work, asking my friends if what I'd taken was it. My back was to her, but I guess she recognized my voice, as she called my name, startling me. "Into my office, please."

I remember standing in there alone, while she got the class started. I watched my friends longingly through the door and tears began to fill my eyes.

I remember thinking, she is going to punish me for this.

I remember her saying sternly, "you are no longer welcome in this class." I could not help but apologize again and again, wiping the tears off my face. "You have been very disrespectful to Mr. Klukas and myself," she said.

I remember being in utter disbelief. She continued, "I've talked to everyone already; Mr. Klukas, your counsellor, the assistant principal. You will drop this class."

I remember apologizing again. "Would you stop that," she said. I tried to explain why I'd done it.

I remember her mocking my excuse from the day before, calling it "flippant." I recalled the time I told Barend about my pet screenplay project, when I was afraid I had spoken too loudly within earshot of Flukas. He must have had heard it, then, because she said, "this isn't the first time you've been disrespectful to us. We have had enough of you."

I remember her saying to me while I cried, "aren't you happy now? Isn't this what you've wanted for so long? Now you've finally got it!" She sounded as if mocking, still.

I remember not being able to decide between tears of joy for freedom or tears of sadness for losing the chance to have class with my friends. I said nothing.

I remember trying not to explode with anger at her mocking me. The papers in my hands were damp from sweat. "Your internal assessment? You don't have to do that anymore!" she continued flippantly (I was never "flippant" when I said my statement about moral grounds, but she was definitely so here). "As work gets returned, I'll put it in your folder. You can pick it up at the end of the year. Now go to the office. Ms. Hergenheim is waiting for you."

I remember sighing. "Now don't you be disrespectful to your other IB teachers." "I have none." "Good!"

I remember her pointing me out of the room. "To Ms. Hergenheim."

I remember one of my friends just coming in late at that moment. I embraced her in the hallway and whispered in her ear, "I am free at last." She looked confused. Then from behind me: "Both of you have responsibilities. You, to the office. You, to class." She must have still been watching me.

I remember them going their way and I mine, but before my friend and I parted I whispered again to her, "I'll tell you later."

I remember the arrangement for my release consisted of a teacher's section to evaluate the student, hopefully to indicate the reason for release. The instant I saw there was the row marked "behaviour" I knew it was where she would charge me.

I remember very much Ms. Hergenheim scrawling on her section of the sheet, writing her reason for approval as that the curriculum just wasn't for me. To me that was probably the best way it would ever be stated.

I remember beginning work on the phoenix emblem drawing that period, alone at the windows upstairs where I had written that fiery condemnation in verse. For the next week the drawing was only to be worked on during those technically illegitimate spare periods created from my expulsion.

I remember the next day, the automatic phone system called of an unexcused absence; at first I thought it would come for every day until my release was processed, but it did not, so it must have been her final blow, intending to have the family notified of my conduct two days before. They have never found out the truth, for the day before all this the psychologist had agreed to write to her requesting that release would be best for me. To this day they believe that it was that letter that freed me, and not what I did on my own to protect myself. So it shall remain so. I have received my wish...at maybe not so high a price after all.