River of Rambling IX [journal]

[kyrasantae]

I skipped last week again because it was just some short rambling on cults.

Those who could not solve my puzzle then would not be able to solve it now. It only gets more complex, never simpler. There are more and more situations, contexts, and events to sift through and decipher, the task will never be complete.
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It's easy to say that I was responsible for this, to cast the blame on me: "You didn't put in the effort to stick to it." It is only partly correct.

It is also only partly correct that I am to blame for my oversleeping: "You aren't putting in the effort and the determination to get up and stay up." This is also easy to say.

In both cases there is a lack of understanding of the causes, and in both cases, the causes (and thus the effects) are out of my conscious control.

Despite what motivational speakers say (that's what they're paid for), sometimes you have to face the facts: You. can't. do. it. You can't be a supermodel at 65. You can't go run at the Olympics. And I can't do customer service. For some people, working customer service may be valuable for developing some skills[, or *gasp* they may *like* doing it], but of course, they should be feeling somewhat inclined to it. But it was like I was allergic to it. The negative reaction was out of my control. A peanut allergy sufferer can't pretend there's no peanuts in a PBJ sandwich and bite into one. He'll get an allergic reaction whether or not he wants to. So no matter what the health benefits of peanuts are (in our example), he won't be able to get them by eating peanuts directly. Maybe there's some extract or alternative that he can take. Maybe I want or need those skills that expereince in customer service can get me, but I'm allergic to it and so I have to find another way to get those skills. It doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want them, but that the conventional way to get them isn't viable for me. This is the first great misunderstanding.
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Think about shock therapy. Now think of being knocked out and subjected to it without warning.

Events happen to me that hit me hard and knock me out and take me on a dose of what could be arbitrarily called a sort of reverse shock therapy, since it harms rather than heals. Because I have experienced this twice, it suggests that there is a pattern involved. It's a bit like bulemia, since I binge on waking hours then purge them by sleeping through them. Going to bed earlier has a bit of a healing effect but such occurs very rarely and ramdomly since the compulsion to "binge" is often there.

I do not know why my mind has chosen to deal with the experiences in this way. I cannot yet control it on my own. I can put my alarm clock anywhere in my room and I will still wake up, turn it off, and go back to bed as if nothing had happened. But the noise of other people can wake me up and keep me awake. Willpower has thus far helped only minimally.

These shocking experiences, I think, are best described as, perhaps, moral objection overloads. But fitting this description is also the Antonuk incident, and that was not followed by any significant change in sleeping pattern. However, noting that the fallout from this latest shock from customer service allergy is far more severe than the results of the previous shock by Country Crusade, it may be that the effect from the Antonuk incident was too small to detect.

I don't believe that having a legitimate resaon to wake up the next morning is a significant factor in determining the severity of the problem, as even now, without school or work, I am unable to wake myself up for any family engagements before approximately somewhere between 10 and 11AM.

As such, I hope that my conclusion is flawed and that it will not continue to get worse with each shock trigger. I do not know how long it takes to recover from one bout of this affliction, nor when a new shock (and thus a new crusade against "the system") will come by.
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I cannot therefore make any promises as to when this cycle will end, especially when I have little realistic chance of effecting significant change (more than a handful of people) in the "system." At the same time, I realize this may not be the only solution. As yet I do not know of any other solution.

In neither case am I to blame for the solution, but until I can fully decipher the full causes and effects and how they work and everything in between, I may not find an answer. You must bear with me. If you don't, you will only be frustrated. It is not a short process.
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Patience will solve many problems, but the wait may destroy you.
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My triumphs so far have been short-lived. Could they be made to last longer or must they be allowed to run their own course?

Comments

[forgottenlord.livejournal.com]

So you're now classifying your Customer Experience experience as equal (perhaps greater....though it might also be because it is so fresh...) to CC? *whistles*. Hmm......

"Patience will solve many problems, but the wait may destroy you."

How bloody true.