Stream of Consciousness II [journal]

[kyrasantae]

Continued from here.

(And speaking of the corrupted... Odd Boy, the partly corrupted showoff.)

Not to say that we don't all have our own evils, those little quirks you know are bad for you but you have anyway. I know mine.

I know that drink is one of my evils. I know this because 99% of the time, I don't drink for any particular effect -- a feeling or a mood, any reason at all, really -- but simply because I want to, as if I just have to.

I know that things with multiple sets or are collectible are my evils. It's an obsession with completeness.

I know that that evil itself is one of my evils. It calls me from within, as if scratching at the bottom of my head. But I am unable to heed it because I also know the world I'm in, a world where it would not and cannot go unpunished.
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Yet that is the evil that calls me strongest. When it strikes me it ignites a fury in me -- a raging fury, but not wild enough that it breaks free from under my conscience. At times, though, it feels like it's so close to getting there -- so close to exploding -- that I'm taken into a war-like mood.

He who knows me knows that once I have a motivation, there is no unconditional surrender. It's why it's so dangerous to me -- it causes me to be temporarily dependent on grisly fantasies to guide me to sleep. And being dependent on anything isn't good.

If your words cease being mere fantasies, Dangerous Boy, then you will never be free again. You will be a fugitive forever, but a slave to fear, chained to the law by your flight!
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At least my dependence is only temporary -- I feel bad for anyone who has a permanent dependence on it -- they'd get in so much trouble.
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One of the few things I've learned is that a lot of people can do really stupid things but are totally convinced that it is amusing and that no harm will come to them. They also seem totally convinced that wasting evenings "dancing" away to loud "music" and other noise while doing stupid things is amusing.
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School is to life as alcohol is to school -- one thing to escape the other. So, when stuck and/or frustrated with life, I think of school and wish so much that I could have classes five days a week rather than seven days a week of real life.
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Close your eyes and dream a dream
Anything to take you away from here
Close your eyes and hide the pain
Anything to chase away the tears
„End the nightmares,” you cry aloud
„Stop this noise blasting in my ears
Let me be what I'm worthy to be
And please stop preying on my fears.”

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First and foremost, I am an artist -- free to express myself by whatever means possible and necessary. I also work with my hands.

I am a truth-seeker -- I want to know the answer.

I am a scientist -- so that I can say that "given what we know and how we understand it, this is the right answer." and it be true.

I am an engineer -- not because I want to be a slave to some company trying to maximize their profits, but because I want to make things that will make people's lives more safe and efficient so they don't need to worry as much and have the oppotunity (should they choose to take it) to sit back, relax, and think about the big questions, the choices they've made in their lives, and if necessary, do something about it.

How could I study the arts and social sciences when, told that there are no wrong answers, I can still be wrong?

You will notice that, of all these roles, none of them are completely reliant on subservience. I don't have to put on a cheery smile for everyone who walks by and do everything to their specifications within 30 seconds. I can't deal with other people as the main basis of a job. I hate repeating myself or asking people to speak more clearly, or when there's some totally bizarre request that will take so much to remember and might not even know how to fulfill.

Scott: I wish you were here. I really miss you.

Comments

[forgottenlord.livejournal.com]

Actually, Social sciences are more of "There's no right answer, just my answer" (or best guess...but the accuracy of a guess in a social science is dependant upon the point of view of the viewer so we're right back where we started. For example, if you grew up in the ghetto, you have a different belief in what triggers the use of narchotics than if you grew up in an upper class neighborhood).

It's rather interesting comparing and analyzing the different belief systems held between you, Forrest, Smart Liberal, Jakub, and myself (as well as a few others from Joes). We've all grown up with different talents, experiences and environments - and you can see the results in our belief systems today and how we consider other people's beliefs and viewpoints.

I find it fascinating.

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

Yeah...but I can't stand having multiple answers. I like there to be *a* right answer, and the only one, given what we know.

...and what do you find all that fascinating about me? That nothing about me makes sense in a coherent picture, nothing that can be put in some conventional framework that works for everyone else?

[forgottenlord.livejournal.com]

There is a coherent picture. I can't describe it for my understanding of it is more intuitive in nature than anything else. Occasionally you surprise me, but no more so than just about anyone else.

I find you fascinating because you don't believe there's a coherent picture for you. I find you fascinating because of what the coherent picture that is you contains (the parts of it that are distinguishable).

Some people, the entire belief system is neat and orderly. Yours is a jumbled pile that would rival my room in terms of disorderly operation - but it exists, and if you look hard enough, you can piece it all together.

I find you fascinating for reasons I do not understand - perhaps I don't even know - but it will never stop me from trying.

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's totally a jumbled mess that only makes sense intuitively to me too.