Postscript
Oct. 12th, 2004 05:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyrasantae
Dear readers:
Please don't interpret my conversation with DarkFlash as an expression of an insane mind. I know I'm insane. I am merely looking for any suggestions as to what I can do to help myself feel better about myself -- for it is very very very lonely when it feels like that the party-types are allowed to pressure us to change and we just have to ignore them, but we must keep our own sentiments to ourselves and not try to pressure the party-types to change because it's "arrogant" and "rude" to do so to them.
My closer friends would know this, but I have tried to get professional help, but all it ever amounted to was a pat on the back and "you're coping with it in the right way." But things have changed and somehow I don't think it's the right way anymore. I want to see some results in the people around me. Adapting isn't an option. Ignorance isn't an option. I must be true to what I believe in and that bars those possibilities.
I don't carry my knife around in public as often or as openly as people think I do; it's either under my shirt when I'm wearing one of my huge oversized t-shirts, or it's in my bag or backpack, *when* I do have it on me. That's either when I'm in my apartment (for show or whatever reasons), or when I'm out in the dark, since Whyte is somewhat of a party/club/bar street and it *can* be scary at night. Sure, it may be a sign of inferiority, and although I'm not exactly trained in its use or anything it is a whole lot more comforting than trying to make myself believe that my (also not very well trained - since I am a bit pacifist and I didn't practice the self-defence drills) kungfu skills are all that's there to protect me.
I do not imagine violent fantasies because I actually want to act them out. Perhaps it is a result of pent-up anger that I cannot release - I do not like physical activities (i.e. sports), and I cannot write them out because I don't want to see my words. I would express it in art (any form, also includes writing) but that in itself is far more painful than it would be to keep it in my head. The images are painful when I look at them, and if you've seen any of my work from around the time when the whole Antonuk situation way back when was going on, you'd know too.
That's all I can think of for now - I'd go on forever if I had the time but I need to hang up my laundry to dry.
Please don't interpret my conversation with DarkFlash as an expression of an insane mind. I know I'm insane. I am merely looking for any suggestions as to what I can do to help myself feel better about myself -- for it is very very very lonely when it feels like that the party-types are allowed to pressure us to change and we just have to ignore them, but we must keep our own sentiments to ourselves and not try to pressure the party-types to change because it's "arrogant" and "rude" to do so to them.
My closer friends would know this, but I have tried to get professional help, but all it ever amounted to was a pat on the back and "you're coping with it in the right way." But things have changed and somehow I don't think it's the right way anymore. I want to see some results in the people around me. Adapting isn't an option. Ignorance isn't an option. I must be true to what I believe in and that bars those possibilities.
I don't carry my knife around in public as often or as openly as people think I do; it's either under my shirt when I'm wearing one of my huge oversized t-shirts, or it's in my bag or backpack, *when* I do have it on me. That's either when I'm in my apartment (for show or whatever reasons), or when I'm out in the dark, since Whyte is somewhat of a party/club/bar street and it *can* be scary at night. Sure, it may be a sign of inferiority, and although I'm not exactly trained in its use or anything it is a whole lot more comforting than trying to make myself believe that my (also not very well trained - since I am a bit pacifist and I didn't practice the self-defence drills) kungfu skills are all that's there to protect me.
I do not imagine violent fantasies because I actually want to act them out. Perhaps it is a result of pent-up anger that I cannot release - I do not like physical activities (i.e. sports), and I cannot write them out because I don't want to see my words. I would express it in art (any form, also includes writing) but that in itself is far more painful than it would be to keep it in my head. The images are painful when I look at them, and if you've seen any of my work from around the time when the whole Antonuk situation way back when was going on, you'd know too.
That's all I can think of for now - I'd go on forever if I had the time but I need to hang up my laundry to dry.
