kyrasantae | So this is how my essay-writing craze worked. [journal]

Sometimes when I'm lucky, I can be digging through old stuff (a rare occurance indeed) and I'll find some pages out of one of many of essays I've tried to write in an attempt to explain who and what I am and how I came to be. I also found a page on which I was demonstrating my different types of handwriting from my pre-diary days. There was a fairly academic style, then there was a very flowing and loose style which takes up lots of room and is hard to read. And it says "as of now I still don't understand why older people (adults) find cursive faster to write than printing." Well, after a couple of years writing in cursive daily it's gotten to a point where it's sort of a medium between academic and flowing and also a lot faster. And I have some weird flourishes on some of my letters.

But back to those essays. I'd say they're of varying quality -- "Dedication to a Past Life" is terribly bland -- and some are a bit more insightful than others. I don't know where my drafts for "Saviour -- An Autobiographical Essay" parts 4 and 5 are or if drafts for them exist at all. I should print a hard copy of it. [I just checked later and Parts 4 and 5 were apparently never written. Part 6 was written and a draft exists, but was never typed up or published.] ~~That one I actually completed, unlike all of the other ones.~~ ("Revealing the Secrets" was for a school project so it doesn't count. [But it was heavily based on "Saviour."]) ~~Maybe I finished it because, at the time, I felt like I owed everything to MB and there was some wishful thinking involved that I would meet him someday or he'd read it.~~ I even mentioned it in my beautifully handwritten fan letter [sorry the pictures don't work anymore on that site, but I've posted them here: Page 1 | Page 2] to him that inspired a typeface. [Check out the special character § in the font (alt-0167). It's my trademark calligraphic palm tree.]

Although "To a Beautiful Rose" is technically not an essay but a commentary/response to a long email from DK#1, it's also revealing too. I think too many times I have tried to spell out my past and what I've learned from it for my friends, but the best way to really see what happened is to fit it all together from the pieces. Then not only can one piece together what happened, he can also see how my perceptions have changed through the years.

You'll notice I don't try to write huge works on my history anymore; if it occurs to me the memories of something which was particularly painful, I'd mention it in my diary but it's not worth the additional time that I don't have to write a separate essay for it. No doubt someday there may come a time when I will come back to, for example, the Antonuk thing and write about it in a whole new light (see already the differences between the speech, the "I Remember" thing, and the letter to friends at graduation). Or maybe something else will happen to me which inspires new wisdom. But you will be the first to read it, right here.

Edit 2006/06/08: The remainder of "Saviour" was found. It was in a school project. I probably wrote parts 4 and 5 at the computer and so no manuscript exists...
Edit 2010/12/29: But I have a feeling that a digital copy of "Saviour" doesn't exist either, since it would have been on a disc with the rest of my Survivor stuff, which was corrupted and everything on it was lost. I still have a hard copy, though.