A light in the darkness
Nov. 29th, 2010 11:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyrasantae
It's first thing in the morning and I've talked to my teacher and the UF and they are letting me take the afternoon off to go see someone at the health centre. Ironically my teacher is going to be talking about "well-being" in the life skills (CALM) class this afternoon. I doubt I'd be able to see a psychiatrist right away but it's better to start the process sooner than later and know what my options are. I refuse myself to give up so I said that for as long as I can still get out of bed in the morning, I will be here at school. I haven't showered all weekend and I know I look a little disheveled, and I've been so out of it that I've forgotten to wear my necklace(s) both on Saturday when I was out with my friends and when I am here now.
Trying to teach I felt a bit distracted. I got an appointment to see my counselor this afternoon so I will do that first. The intercom in the classroom was broken so the kids missed standing up for O Canada so I sang it for them, seemingly foreign words to me since I haven't sung them for so long.
Maybe you've been through this: That moment you realize that you haven't wanted for so long to do the things you love doing, and that you actually really miss being interested and moved to do those things. I had been wanting to sing to people for a while and I'd offered myself to do it, and I did it, but I didn't feel satisfaction from it. I miss singing in my room, playing random tunes on my recorder, learning and playing songs on the piano. I miss sketching, and rewriting non-FAIL rulebooks. I mouth the words to Finnish songs as I listen along to them -- if I feel like listening to them at all -- a silent incantation rather than a joy, a prayer to bring back lovely things and times.
How many days have I gotten by on less than one meal? Things shouldn't be this way, when everything I need is already laid in front of me: food, shelter, money, friends, lesson plans, confidence.
So I saw the counselor, who said that I was doing the right thing. It's funny that if I think back, most of the stress I've had about school through the years can be interpreted as really just manifestation of an underlying general depression/anxiety. It was there last time I tried to do my practicum, but just overshadowed by those other things over which I had some control but couldn't control, like planning. She asked me if my whole not-wanting-to-teach thing has ever come out and become an issue, and I said that, really, after I told my teacher about it, it hasn't come up again because of my performance.
But anyway, the same doctor who saw me about the World's Most Annoying Cold earlier this year put me on some anti-anxiety medication. He had asked if I was hoping for therapy with a psychologist or something with drugs, but you know, I think that once you've already peeled away everything else in your mind and all that's left is this irrational thing on the table, all the talking in the world isn't going to help identify it in order to overcome it. It's so irrational that it's not tied to anything, so some biochemistry is probably involved.
So here I'm writing in bed again. Was kind of productive today and got one Christmas card written. I know it'll take some time for the drugs to fully kick in, but even right now I feel strangely calm. I'm still a bit nervous, but I'm not a nervous wreck. I wonder what waking up tomorrow will be like.
I've always been opposed to using substances for the purpose of mood alteration, but I really have to thank Eva for pushing me in this direction.
Trying to teach I felt a bit distracted. I got an appointment to see my counselor this afternoon so I will do that first. The intercom in the classroom was broken so the kids missed standing up for O Canada so I sang it for them, seemingly foreign words to me since I haven't sung them for so long.
Maybe you've been through this: That moment you realize that you haven't wanted for so long to do the things you love doing, and that you actually really miss being interested and moved to do those things. I had been wanting to sing to people for a while and I'd offered myself to do it, and I did it, but I didn't feel satisfaction from it. I miss singing in my room, playing random tunes on my recorder, learning and playing songs on the piano. I miss sketching, and rewriting non-FAIL rulebooks. I mouth the words to Finnish songs as I listen along to them -- if I feel like listening to them at all -- a silent incantation rather than a joy, a prayer to bring back lovely things and times.
How many days have I gotten by on less than one meal? Things shouldn't be this way, when everything I need is already laid in front of me: food, shelter, money, friends, lesson plans, confidence.
So I saw the counselor, who said that I was doing the right thing. It's funny that if I think back, most of the stress I've had about school through the years can be interpreted as really just manifestation of an underlying general depression/anxiety. It was there last time I tried to do my practicum, but just overshadowed by those other things over which I had some control but couldn't control, like planning. She asked me if my whole not-wanting-to-teach thing has ever come out and become an issue, and I said that, really, after I told my teacher about it, it hasn't come up again because of my performance.
But anyway, the same doctor who saw me about the World's Most Annoying Cold earlier this year put me on some anti-anxiety medication. He had asked if I was hoping for therapy with a psychologist or something with drugs, but you know, I think that once you've already peeled away everything else in your mind and all that's left is this irrational thing on the table, all the talking in the world isn't going to help identify it in order to overcome it. It's so irrational that it's not tied to anything, so some biochemistry is probably involved.
So here I'm writing in bed again. Was kind of productive today and got one Christmas card written. I know it'll take some time for the drugs to fully kick in, but even right now I feel strangely calm. I'm still a bit nervous, but I'm not a nervous wreck. I wonder what waking up tomorrow will be like.
I've always been opposed to using substances for the purpose of mood alteration, but I really have to thank Eva for pushing me in this direction.
