Sunday again.

[kyrasantae]

It used to be (i.e. for the last decade) that I could manage my depressive/anxiety symptoms relatively well on my own, but I've noticed too that, just in the last three or four years, I've found myself less and less able to cope.

For the first seven years I was gifted with the creativity to write, draw, and paint to express my feelings. After I returned from Finland 2.5 years ago, I've lost the creative spark.

It's like that climate change 'hockey stick' curve, but the axes are anxiety levels over time.

I realize now that something desperately needs to be done about myself before I lose my mind altogether and all of my hopes and dreams are gone to waste.

I know I've only got three more weeks to go before this practicum is over, but I've got a nine-weeks one next year and I want to be able to have a handle on my sanity before I plunge into that...

I still don't know where the anxiety is coming from, but every extra reminder of my being here for the wrong reasons weighs on me and I can't help it.

I want to say, hey, look how much farther I've gotten than last time, but I am counting the days, and by that count I have yet to make it as far as last time.

At this point I finally understand that I've lost my grip on my anxiety, that what I could once cope with has gotten so dramatically worse, that this is what would be called clinical, that it now interferes with my functioning as a normal human being. It is irrational and I lie here in bed writing this, suddenly in tears, and the last few nights spent not wanting to listen to anything but this Estonian music I found earlier this week (Sõpruse Puiestee, there's a few of their songs on Youtube if you look around). I want to do nothing and do practically nothing.

Anyway, I hope that this week I will find the time to start on the process of getting to see a psychiatrist for some help with this, as my anxiety is way past the point where talking alone will help, because even I don't know what's causing it. Unfortunately I am nearly certain that drugs will not happen in time to help me before the end of this practicum. It's too bad that regardless, my only choice is to press on -- the only real coping advice would be "keep your eyes on the prize", but when the anxiety is the very thing that cripples the thoughts and makes it so hard to focus on even that...

I know that I show unusual resilience in the face of so much pain. But those days are coming to an end and I can't do it alone anymore. This is not the normal kind of anxiety that comes with learning to play a new role. It's that, piled on top of all of the burdens I have ever carried, plus something more that I do not understand.