Section Four
Apr. 9th, 2010 12:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyrasantaeOriginally posted at BGG
On Tuesday night, the anxiety and frustration that had been building up over the last three-ish weeks hit their flashpoint. I remember asking myself, "How do prisoners go to sleep at night when they know they're going to be tortured the next morning?"
The next day I woke up super-early in hope that I'd get my planning done for the day. No dice, just as it had pretty much been for the whole time of this practicum. I had a terrible feeling that I would rather die. (Fortunately, I'm a pacifist and could never bring harm to anyone including myself.)
Then I went to the school and was trying to work on my stuff. I asked my mentor teacher a question about when to schedule a test, and he replied, "well, you should know. You should know where you're going with the class and how to get there."
My supervisor from the university was visiting and my mentor teacher went to talk to him. They told me that they agreed that at the rate I was going, I wasn't going to successfully complete the practicum, which didn't come as a complete surprise, but they suggested that I should withdraw from it now and complete it again at a later time at a different school, or go study something else. I explained some of the feelings I had been having recently, and they sent me to the university immediately to discuss them and my available options with the faculty's resident psychologist (who is also the director of student support).
While most people who want to be teachers come into the program with some experience working with or coaching kids, I lack that. I've also kept a measured distance from mainstream Canadian culture for a very long time and so I have a lot of difficulty with just "picking it up" and catching onto ways to relate to kids via their interests, because I don't know what they are anymore. I think that I need more time and opportunity to watch teachers and talk to teachers about how they plan stuff.
My teacher felt that he had given me all of the resources he could (no contest there). But I don't know how to make plans in the long term. I can have the stuff in front of me and a calendar, but the thought process that goes into turning those resources into lessons is a bit beyond me. Though I may have a goal, a destination, an endpoint, I tend to take things day-by-day and trust that they will lead to that place, eventually. I'm spontaneous and don't think in timelines. (That's why I tend to cram papers at the end of term.)
Anyway, long story short, I'm going to be doing this practicum in November/December instead, and in the meantime I'll continue to volunteer at the school (and other schools too) and at other opportunities to work with kids and learn to relate to them. Volunteering at a school would also let me interact with teachers to help me better understand how they prepare to do what they do. I'll also continue working with the psychologist on maybe some of my anxiety issues. I get stressed out about stuff really easily and it makes me retreat into my own little world, which worsens the feelings because then I don't have the social contact that I need in order to talk about my feelings.
[Dr. J] (I wish he could have been my dad! I love the man!) told me yesterday that, when he was in teacher training, he had more practicums, but the very first one was not for credit, just for experience. It's too bad that we don't have the opportunity to have an experience like that, where you can get your feet wet and see if teaching is for you -- or to pick up some of those relating skills -- without anything at stake. A chance to stumble and fall and pick yourself up, before it actually matters for anything.
Having to learn both planning skills and relating skills (the two cornerstones of the teaching profession) at the same time trying to practice teaching skills is... a lot to do in a very short four weeks... for pass/fail credit. That's a lot at stake, IMO.
After signing the withdraw papers, I found myself at the university campus early enough in the afternoon to actually go to some of my friends' group gatherings. These are friends I have hardly talked to for the last five months, maybe, because I'd been stressing out about everything. It was such a relief from being constantly burdened by a shadow of incompetence and failure, and nothing beats reconnecting with good friends I enjoy the company of.
On Tuesday night, the anxiety and frustration that had been building up over the last three-ish weeks hit their flashpoint. I remember asking myself, "How do prisoners go to sleep at night when they know they're going to be tortured the next morning?"
The next day I woke up super-early in hope that I'd get my planning done for the day. No dice, just as it had pretty much been for the whole time of this practicum. I had a terrible feeling that I would rather die. (Fortunately, I'm a pacifist and could never bring harm to anyone including myself.)
Then I went to the school and was trying to work on my stuff. I asked my mentor teacher a question about when to schedule a test, and he replied, "well, you should know. You should know where you're going with the class and how to get there."
My supervisor from the university was visiting and my mentor teacher went to talk to him. They told me that they agreed that at the rate I was going, I wasn't going to successfully complete the practicum, which didn't come as a complete surprise, but they suggested that I should withdraw from it now and complete it again at a later time at a different school, or go study something else. I explained some of the feelings I had been having recently, and they sent me to the university immediately to discuss them and my available options with the faculty's resident psychologist (who is also the director of student support).
While most people who want to be teachers come into the program with some experience working with or coaching kids, I lack that. I've also kept a measured distance from mainstream Canadian culture for a very long time and so I have a lot of difficulty with just "picking it up" and catching onto ways to relate to kids via their interests, because I don't know what they are anymore. I think that I need more time and opportunity to watch teachers and talk to teachers about how they plan stuff.
My teacher felt that he had given me all of the resources he could (no contest there). But I don't know how to make plans in the long term. I can have the stuff in front of me and a calendar, but the thought process that goes into turning those resources into lessons is a bit beyond me. Though I may have a goal, a destination, an endpoint, I tend to take things day-by-day and trust that they will lead to that place, eventually. I'm spontaneous and don't think in timelines. (That's why I tend to cram papers at the end of term.)
Anyway, long story short, I'm going to be doing this practicum in November/December instead, and in the meantime I'll continue to volunteer at the school (and other schools too) and at other opportunities to work with kids and learn to relate to them. Volunteering at a school would also let me interact with teachers to help me better understand how they prepare to do what they do. I'll also continue working with the psychologist on maybe some of my anxiety issues. I get stressed out about stuff really easily and it makes me retreat into my own little world, which worsens the feelings because then I don't have the social contact that I need in order to talk about my feelings.
[Dr. J] (I wish he could have been my dad! I love the man!) told me yesterday that, when he was in teacher training, he had more practicums, but the very first one was not for credit, just for experience. It's too bad that we don't have the opportunity to have an experience like that, where you can get your feet wet and see if teaching is for you -- or to pick up some of those relating skills -- without anything at stake. A chance to stumble and fall and pick yourself up, before it actually matters for anything.
Having to learn both planning skills and relating skills (the two cornerstones of the teaching profession) at the same time trying to practice teaching skills is... a lot to do in a very short four weeks... for pass/fail credit. That's a lot at stake, IMO.
After signing the withdraw papers, I found myself at the university campus early enough in the afternoon to actually go to some of my friends' group gatherings. These are friends I have hardly talked to for the last five months, maybe, because I'd been stressing out about everything. It was such a relief from being constantly burdened by a shadow of incompetence and failure, and nothing beats reconnecting with good friends I enjoy the company of.
