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ATTACK OF THE REAL LIFE
Jan. 9th, 2010 03:20 pm
On 7. January I wrote:
So yesterday I popped up outside Markku's office and sat there waiting for him to come out. When he did, I greeted him in Finnish and he responded in Finnish and then he was like "you speak Finnish?!?" (I said, not really much, no) and asked if I was waiting for somebody. I told him that I was actually waiting for him and we introduced ourselves and he got confused when I introduced myself as Tuuli and he asked for my surname but I countered by saying that it's not my real name. Anyway, he invited me into his office and we had a nice chat. In fact, he was really really nice. Finns are always happy to meet people who know something about their country.
I think that the cause of my discouragement is a tension between "goals". There's the long-term goal to move to Finland, and then the medium-term thing to finish this degree and get on with REAL LIFE. As an all-consuming faith and life-giver, I cannot set aside the long-term without grave cost -- yet for the other I would do my students a great disservice were I to teach them with a divided heart and not for their sake alone. I try to make things a little more bearable by surrounding myself with Finnish people, but when they are not around, I hear the voices of my profs saying "you have to do it for the kids" and then I hate myself for knowing that I could never really do that (here? anywhere? it's hard for me to say but I do have a certain streak of vanity). (It takes me forever to say 'bye' to a Finnish friend and end the conversation, and after that there's always a lingering euphoria and desire to continue speaking to them. This is the nature of F-energy.)
The imperative of organization (and tons of group assignments) this term compels a detachment from my bigger goal, and I think that, on top of the imperative of altruism, is what's causing some of my feelings. It feels like I cannot afford to have both goals coexist. Not only that, they don't logically follow from one another. I'm not necessarily wanting to teach in Finland, I just want to be there. (I'd probably end up going back to school or something. If I ever were to have the self-discipline for it.)
Education instructors/professors/professional boards stress reflective practice a lot - that is, being reflective about what you're doing and stuff, and there's nothing wrong with that. I may be excessively self-reflective, but they don't mean philosophical reflection, they mean reflection toward self-criticism and -improvement. Not sure if I can handle both kinds of reflection at once without being overwhelmed. Then again, self-criticism is always difficult.
This term is going to be really really busy, really hardcore. Second day of class and I'm already behind on my readings. The books are on my bed, where I was lying down until I noticed a crack in the plastic case for my iPod, so I crawled back onto my computer and ordered a replacement off eBay. It's probably typical cheap-quality plastic from Hong Kong, like the case I had around my phone when I took it to Finland, but perhaps I'll also sew (or buy) a nice padded pouch for it.
But nah, I've been sitting here all evening trying to get to the reading. It just isn't happening. Because I have a practical teaching experience at the end of the term, all of my courses right now are practical things, like how to make tests and how to run a class and how to, well, teach. Which means a lot of projects and stuff. It's already freaking me out.
I don't know the guy nor will ever take classes from him (his specialty is pretty fascinating, but scary stuff), but maybe one day I'll randomly visit Dr. Jahnukainen's office to say hello, introduce myself, and see what he can tell me about what teaching and the system in Finland are like. If he doesn't mind, of course.
With all this work, and absolute need for absolute self-discipline (which I don't believe that I have ever had), I feel like I'm staring at a dead end. Again. Maybe Dr. J can give me some reassurance and guidance on how I can get somewhere with this.
So yesterday I popped up outside Markku's office and sat there waiting for him to come out. When he did, I greeted him in Finnish and he responded in Finnish and then he was like "you speak Finnish?!?" (I said, not really much, no) and asked if I was waiting for somebody. I told him that I was actually waiting for him and we introduced ourselves and he got confused when I introduced myself as Tuuli and he asked for my surname but I countered by saying that it's not my real name. Anyway, he invited me into his office and we had a nice chat. In fact, he was really really nice. Finns are always happy to meet people who know something about their country.
I think that the cause of my discouragement is a tension between "goals". There's the long-term goal to move to Finland, and then the medium-term thing to finish this degree and get on with REAL LIFE. As an all-consuming faith and life-giver, I cannot set aside the long-term without grave cost -- yet for the other I would do my students a great disservice were I to teach them with a divided heart and not for their sake alone. I try to make things a little more bearable by surrounding myself with Finnish people, but when they are not around, I hear the voices of my profs saying "you have to do it for the kids" and then I hate myself for knowing that I could never really do that (here? anywhere? it's hard for me to say but I do have a certain streak of vanity). (It takes me forever to say 'bye' to a Finnish friend and end the conversation, and after that there's always a lingering euphoria and desire to continue speaking to them. This is the nature of F-energy.)
The imperative of organization (and tons of group assignments) this term compels a detachment from my bigger goal, and I think that, on top of the imperative of altruism, is what's causing some of my feelings. It feels like I cannot afford to have both goals coexist. Not only that, they don't logically follow from one another. I'm not necessarily wanting to teach in Finland, I just want to be there. (I'd probably end up going back to school or something. If I ever were to have the self-discipline for it.)
Education instructors/professors/professional boards stress reflective practice a lot - that is, being reflective about what you're doing and stuff, and there's nothing wrong with that. I may be excessively self-reflective, but they don't mean philosophical reflection, they mean reflection toward self-criticism and -improvement. Not sure if I can handle both kinds of reflection at once without being overwhelmed. Then again, self-criticism is always difficult.
