I waited 20 minutes for Artsy Guy to show up with his car to pick me up, but he didn't show, so I resigned to being an hour late for work and went to take the bus. While on the bus I'm trying to call HER to let her know what's going on, but she wasn't picking up the phone. About 20 minutes away from work, Artsy Guy calls me, having had to get my phone number from the boss. "Get off the bus, tell me where you are, and I'll be there in 10 minutes," he says.
While I'm waiting at some random corner a minute away from Heritage Century Park, I get talked to by a Jehovah's Witness (I'm able to pass as a Christian if I have to) and the sun warms my face a bit. I look at my watch and by the time Artsy Guy shows up, I would have gotten off the bus and be walking toward the store, were I have stayed on the bus. Artsy Guy feels so terribly guilty for sleeping in (he worked essentially a 17-hour day yesterday) that he was like "I owe you $12 for the hour of work you missed" and I wanted to say that he should keep it since he's the starving student/artist, but he was quite insistent so I said he could just buy me lunch or something to make up.
I also said that, to be quite honest, I only really save 30 minutes in the morning when he drives me, but more than an hour in the evening, so maybe he should just drive me home from work and I'll take the bus to work. (Also, he's a smoker and I'd like to lose as few years from my lifespan as possible, thanks. That question, incidentally, opens up a whole new can of emo worms, i.e. questions like, "what would I do with a longer life if I'm not in Finland?", or "how long would I live in Finland before getting totally jaded about it?")
Yesterday we were offered the opportunity to go home at noon today, because there really was nothing to do. I didn't really commit to it or anything yesterday, but SHE had written on the calendar that I was going to take the afternoon off, so whatever. I'll just pick up my paycheque on Tuesday. It really wasn't like there was anything to do. I went to help out with the merchandising but the majority of it was done yesterday anyway and I just felt like I was getting in people's way because I don't know how they do it here and kept having to stop people and ask them.
Still really depressed. I think it'll only get worse as Sunday approaches, and I still haven't figured out what kind of activity would be suitable for the mournful occasion. I also haven't really voluntarily eaten for the last couple of days; just only when led to an eating establishment or somebody gives it to me. I don't feel the usual hunger pangs either, no stomach growling, that sort of thing. Just not really wanting to act on any responsibilities: need to take out the garbage, do laundry, editing. At least sleep should be easy.
Doesn't help that my parents are visiting tomorrow, which means I have to deal with the question of "you want to see me growing up, but how is that supposed to happen when you don't want to treat me like an adult? I'm always so blunt to you because I'm tired of being talked to like I'm a 13 year-old and completely innocent". (You can sort of see where my tensions with HER last week were coming from.)
I choose to have good faith in people; it's not necessarily naïveté. My mind has governed me with and has been governed by fear for so long that I don't want fear anymore. It's not productive and stops you from stepping outside your comfort zone and go out there and find those things that really make life meaningful.
I just want to be with friends and people who won't judge me based on who I was in the past. Yes, the effects of the past are important. But the events of the past themselves and the various previous inferior sets of meanings for those things aren't. Major changes and turning points in people's lives tend to be irreversible changes, and no amount of belief is going to make someone 13 years old and "innocent" again.
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