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Here's to masochism [journal]
Jan. 2nd, 2005 12:45 am
Do two wrongs make a right?
Do two great evils make one great good?
Will a second time, in knowing suffering, undo what the first has done?!
Why is it that I have not thought of this before? Or is it only a trick that my weakened mind is led by the devil to believe? I must consult my fellows. They will know.
But this time, if I so choose to chance to bear the sins of many again in hope of saving myself, I'm bringing a knife.
If I succeed, then I have set a small part of me to rest. If I fail, then there is truly something with their system that needs to change.
May the protective essence of God continue to guide and armour me.
May they at least be gentle sinners. This time Creepy Mike won't be there. Nor will Jon and Kevin. I would be more alone than I was the first time (since I didn't really meet Jon and Kevin until we got there). And this time I really will bring my tiny draught of vodka. And earplugs. The mp3 player would come again, and extra batteries for the flashlight. Again the soundtrack will be the loudest music I can find [and like]: Apulanta. Kotiteollisuus. Trio Niskalaukaus. Viikate. I would bring my new camera to capture the entire journey, the ugly reality of it all. Let the pictures be witness to what I face there.
Please, God, help me make the right choice, to lessen this bitterness in my mouth.
( What the hell am I talking about, you wonder? )
Do two great evils make one great good?
Will a second time, in knowing suffering, undo what the first has done?!
Why is it that I have not thought of this before? Or is it only a trick that my weakened mind is led by the devil to believe? I must consult my fellows. They will know.
But this time, if I so choose to chance to bear the sins of many again in hope of saving myself, I'm bringing a knife.
If I succeed, then I have set a small part of me to rest. If I fail, then there is truly something with their system that needs to change.
May the protective essence of God continue to guide and armour me.
May they at least be gentle sinners. This time Creepy Mike won't be there. Nor will Jon and Kevin. I would be more alone than I was the first time (since I didn't really meet Jon and Kevin until we got there). And this time I really will bring my tiny draught of vodka. And earplugs. The mp3 player would come again, and extra batteries for the flashlight. Again the soundtrack will be the loudest music I can find [and like]: Apulanta. Kotiteollisuus. Trio Niskalaukaus. Viikate. I would bring my new camera to capture the entire journey, the ugly reality of it all. Let the pictures be witness to what I face there.
Please, God, help me make the right choice, to lessen this bitterness in my mouth.
( What the hell am I talking about, you wonder? )
