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Resignation
Nov. 8th, 2004 01:46 pm
*sigh*
There are holes in my lab coat from when I last washed it (must be those darned acid splashes) and I don't know if it's worth patching up (because it's such an eyesore). I'll take it home this weekend and I'll let my mom consider it (and plus I need some thick fabric to wrap up the empty glass bottle I'm taking home. I just hope it won't get smashed in the compartment on the bus).
I spent the last night sleeping in Mike/Adrian/David F's apartment living room, since it was 3am before I wanted to sleep and I knew that if I were to go back to my room I'd probably never wake up for 9am. Adrian had a lab at 8am this morning and Mike a class at 9 as well, so I woke up okay. Still very tired though.
I went to GIFT Fellowship on Saturday and it was so much fun, just to be with people who were always enthusiastic and very likely to have similar moral values. I asked Pastor Keith if there was anything I could do about the whole moral obligation to try to help people decide against getting drunk as a way to release tensions, but he didn't have an answer for me as of yet. I woke up this morning with one of the songs we sang stuck in my head. It's not there anymore.
I'm now infamous in the ESS. Everyone knows me by name - something along the lines of 'the one who gave up a position because she doesn't approve of drinking.' The Head Judge for Engg Week asked me last week whether I resigned the position because I was pressured to do so, or by my own will. Of course it was by my own will, because there was never any pressure on me to resign (except from myself); on the contrary, it was pressure to set my feelings aside and just do the job! Despite pressure (again), I've decided that I won't be participating in any of the activities either, no matter how interesting some of the plans seem now. It just won't be "fun" to be participating in something that I deliberately distanced myself from based on principle. What is worse than that in marking myself a hypocrite in front of ESS?
Maybe I'm feeling so down right now because I really want Thursday to come so I can go home for the weekend. I don't know how going home might help me feel better, but just to be home will make my whole family happy and I hope it makes me happier too. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself still; something that not even drink can replace. Or anything else, for that matter. I have friends here now, but I still feel like I'm so alone, because I can't find the time anymore to do the things I enjoy, like finishing my painting of the Survivor IX Vanuatu logo or composing and arranging music or trying to learn another song on the guitar (because I don't have a guitar here). Everything feels so tedious, even if it's something that should be routine, like cooking or even going to bed. And I can't concentrate in class.
There are holes in my lab coat from when I last washed it (must be those darned acid splashes) and I don't know if it's worth patching up (because it's such an eyesore). I'll take it home this weekend and I'll let my mom consider it (and plus I need some thick fabric to wrap up the empty glass bottle I'm taking home. I just hope it won't get smashed in the compartment on the bus).
I spent the last night sleeping in Mike/Adrian/David F's apartment living room, since it was 3am before I wanted to sleep and I knew that if I were to go back to my room I'd probably never wake up for 9am. Adrian had a lab at 8am this morning and Mike a class at 9 as well, so I woke up okay. Still very tired though.
I went to GIFT Fellowship on Saturday and it was so much fun, just to be with people who were always enthusiastic and very likely to have similar moral values. I asked Pastor Keith if there was anything I could do about the whole moral obligation to try to help people decide against getting drunk as a way to release tensions, but he didn't have an answer for me as of yet. I woke up this morning with one of the songs we sang stuck in my head. It's not there anymore.
I'm now infamous in the ESS. Everyone knows me by name - something along the lines of 'the one who gave up a position because she doesn't approve of drinking.' The Head Judge for Engg Week asked me last week whether I resigned the position because I was pressured to do so, or by my own will. Of course it was by my own will, because there was never any pressure on me to resign (except from myself); on the contrary, it was pressure to set my feelings aside and just do the job! Despite pressure (again), I've decided that I won't be participating in any of the activities either, no matter how interesting some of the plans seem now. It just won't be "fun" to be participating in something that I deliberately distanced myself from based on principle. What is worse than that in marking myself a hypocrite in front of ESS?
Maybe I'm feeling so down right now because I really want Thursday to come so I can go home for the weekend. I don't know how going home might help me feel better, but just to be home will make my whole family happy and I hope it makes me happier too. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself still; something that not even drink can replace. Or anything else, for that matter. I have friends here now, but I still feel like I'm so alone, because I can't find the time anymore to do the things I enjoy, like finishing my painting of the Survivor IX Vanuatu logo or composing and arranging music or trying to learn another song on the guitar (because I don't have a guitar here). Everything feels so tedious, even if it's something that should be routine, like cooking or even going to bed. And I can't concentrate in class.
