Bah, not again. [spont.]

I had a first-period spare this morning, but I woke up anyway to get to school on the regular time.

I wanted to hear, on the daily announcements, who had made it to the final round from yesterday's semi-finals. From what I heard yesterday, judging from a talent and ability standpoint (which I think I'm qualified for, having had 12 years of musical training - albeit in piano), there were only two people who stood out by a long shot: Joyce, and me.

And no, there was a tie for this round; two proceeded to the next round.

I had dressed up a little, and did my hair this morning nicely, and had pretty much prepared myself for another performance. I waited for my name to be announced.

It wasn't.

Joyce made it, though. The other girl was one of those people who is just fluffy and has lots of friends. I could hardly hear her voice, and she couldn't carry the tune well. Rumours exist that yesterday's round had been rigged to her advantage.

I know this is practically against everything I said yesterday before my song about how the lyrics were so true to me ('never care for what they do' - 'nothing else matters').

I felt that I clearly had a fighting chance, and not only that, I had every single right to have been there to sing in the finals today. There was just no possible way that the others had fared as well as I did.

To me the whole show of support yesterday was so fickle, even if it felt good for a moment; after the event yesterday the other singers were mobbed by their friends while I stood alone, lost among the gymnasium floor, looking out into the audience to seek out my friends -- but they had already left. And hardly anyone complimented me or anything during my classes in the afternoon. And the votes didn't go for me.

It was so much more than a popularity contest for me. I had been looking so hard for an opportunity to speak in front of hundreds of people, after failing to get a grad speech position or get anywhere at speech tournaments. And yet suddenly here it was; and I felt that I had did so well that I deserved to get to keep that recognition that I was shown yesterday. Yes, so I messed up the lyrics a little. Yes, I had to sit down to sing. But yes, I could sing, and I did sing well. (And if you want to hear me singing some other things, I've got sound clips of myself here. And note the title of that page, even though I made this page ages ago for back when they had Canadian Idol auditions here last year.)

Yet it was only today that Helena told me that I had always been known in this school as the 'Survivor girl;' and that's what I'll always be remembered here for, no matter how outdated the image (like, totally 2 years old). And the trouble with that is, it's not who I am anymore. There's so much more I've learned about myself since then, and the old me just doesn't apply anymore.

I cannot change this perception of me. I still believe that I was unjustly denied the opportunity to be in front of the audience again today. I wish I could have a second chance at that, a alternate today where I got the recognition that I deserved. For a moment after I heard the news I felt like I should immediately make a big banner saying "The Real Churchill Idol" and run around the school with it on my back (I didn't). I needed to have that feeling again, that I was loved, that I was being listened to. And more than that, I wanted to know that people did appreciate my talents.

Because you see, I'm not debating the winner of the whole event. She was undeniably the best in both talent and popularity. I'm only debating the winner of my round, and sometimes it makes me wonder what the margin was between the tied winners and the next runner-up.