(no subject)

[kyrasantae]

For every day without my dream, the more I would prefer eternal sleep than this hell... I have a zillion assignments due Friday and there's just no way I'll be able to finish them all and I honestly don't care anymore; each assignment is worth like 1% of my grade anyway, and all of the numbers feel meaningless.

In the end, my willpower has failed me. I can't just suck it up and try to survive the rest of this term, let alone the rest of my program. Because this term is also about finding a summer job, and honestly I don't want to work...and especially not work in this engineering crap (it has to be, it's kind of an internship thing).

Sure, it's painful for me to dance as energetically as I do. After one song I'll be coughing and panting and my throat will feel like fire. But it's something I feel good doing, and it's something I want to be able to do whenever I want without feeling like it's eating into useful time for something else.

I want to be free to spend my time in peace, at the piano or something, staying up late practicing, not having to worry about not being able to make it to class early the next morning, not having to worry about finishing up stuff for a due date, not having to worry about how far I'm falling behind in class material. I want to be free to do all of the things I love whenever I want to: music, drawing, graphic design, model building, dance. I want to be good at everything without being great at anything.

How can I ever be the next Nightwish if everything serious around me stifles my creativity (imitations have been done before, but feng_li and I are going to be original)? I already find myself less verbally articulate than I was in high school (just look at some of the older entries with the writing tag), and I find that my artistic output has dropped drastically, and sometimes, even my interest in art feels like it's flagging. The testosterone-charged environment of this hell leaves my work underappreciated.

My past has been forgiven, but now it is the future that causes me to weep.

Kerran vain haaveeni nähdä sain En pienuutta alla tähtien tuntenut Kerran sain kehtooni kalterit Vankina sieltä kirjettä kirjoitan Luojani, luoksesi anna minun tulla siksi miksi lapseni minua luulee Sinussa maailman kauneus Josta kuolema teki minusta taiteilijan Luojani, luoksesi anna minun tulla siksi miksi lapseni minua luulee Oman taivaan tänne loin Anna minun päästä pois Oman taivaan tänne loin Anna minun päästä pois

Only once I could see my dream I didn't feel the smallness under the stars Once I got bars in my cradle As a prisoner I write a letter from there My Lord, let me come to you Let me become what my child thinks I am In You is the beauty of the world, of which death made me an artist My Lord, let me come to you Let me become what my child thinks I am I created a heaven of my own here Let me get away I created a heaven of my own here Let me get away

Edit: Sure enough, everyone asks me for the translation even though it's all over Google. Then again, I put the lyrics there for a very good reason...

Comments

[siromygod.livejournal.com]

Sometimes there's a reason many artists don't attend university, it can be stiffling and entirely too specialized.