Stream of Consciousness IV [journal]

[kyrasantae]

Why must we look at quitting as giving up? Must we always look at persistence as a good quality?

We always hear people telling us never to give up, but what if what you expect to have come out of it isn't worth what you put in?

There simply was no way that any skill that I could have learned in there would be worth my agony.

Part of me likes to ask, why didn't you try to hang on for a little while longer? Until end of next week? And pretend it doesn't hurt?
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But why not? Because it does hurt... a lot. Because it was the right time to say it, since no one can divinate when the opportunity could strike again. How can someone pretend it doesn't hurt?

People have no faith in me. I perceive that they are skeptical of my integrity.
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So that's the secret, that awkward nuisance that is the piercing pain in my abdomen the morning after I drink. It's not that bad, really, since simply standing up will get rid of it. Merely an inconvienience.

The ideal job right now would be something: not marketing-talking-to-people intensive, only needs me to take orders from a handful of authority figures, doesn't involve cash registers, requires a bit of technical or dextrous skill, and gives me a bit (and not too much) of suffering (that is, a challenge).
Can it really be that difficult? Yet for many it seems too much to ask for.
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I'm not ready for life yet, because there is still so much to encounter and enjoy before moving on. But I'm being pushed over this threshold, into the world, while other people feel they've done all they can for now and just want to move on. No wonder it seems that people are moving about around me ewhile I stay still...
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So why can't I get up to my alarm, even though I do awake at the noise?
     a) I have no compelling reason to get up.
     b) avoidence mechanism to protect from thought of possibly having work.
     c) another of those wacky sleep things that happen after some kind of extreme mental shock, in which case I sleep later than last time because of a).

For people who have always gotten what they wanted, especially those who go out of their way to do so, then rubs it in others' faces: I'd like to see you try as much as you can, but still not get what you want. People can't win all of the time. Perhaps losing will teach you a lesson.
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I know that I'm in so much pain, but there's nothing I can do about it except to pretend that it's not there. It also means that I have to save the rest of me before it's all suffered irreparable damage. I also feel as if there is already nothing left of me except for my body, and even that's deteriorating. Is there a part of me that isn't dying?
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The enemy advances, but all I can do is retreat. Soon I will have nowhere left to run, but what fate is left for me to accept in the end?

Comments

[forgottenlord.livejournal.com]

"For people who have always gotten what they wanted, especially those who go out of their way to do so, then rubs it in others' face: I'd like to see you try as much as you can, but still not get what you want. People can't win all of the time. Perhaps losing will teach you a lesson."

Everyone has lost some battles. Just about all have lost a battle that truly mattered. Many know which battles they'll be able to win and fight them. Others make comprimises to achieve their victories - their victory is full for they got what they wanted, but they had to pay a price for it.

You avoid comprimises. You shoot down tactics and strategies as ineffective even before you use them. You void all minor victories because they are unimportant compared to the big victory(ies) - however, almost no one at our age and few people in their lifetime ever have that "big victory". We fight for the minor victories - that battles that we can win - and come to comprimises so that we can get closer to that big victory - even though we know it is still well outside our grasp.

Your one advantage - you know better than most what that big victory is - but that makes it no closer to you than ours is to us.

[kyrasantae.livejournal.com]

Aside from highlighting some blatent typing mistakes I need to fix, that passage actually refers to a specific person - and I'm not alone in feeling that way towards said person. And it's not you.

As for making compromises to reach a goal - Antonuk dealie, anyone?